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The Splat Pack

August 2, 2012

Splat Pack– a support group founded by three friends (with openings for interns upon approval) who began hanging out together, dancing, laughing and generally holding each other up beginning in April of 2012. They are bound by a common college experience, their divorced or divorcing status and a love of dancing and laughing .

Splat refers to the sound ones hears when one hits rock bottom. The idea was put forth by the divorce-veteran of the group, Sam who inspired its mission. In his words,

“……’s funny about hitting the bottom, the worst part of the process isn’t hitting bottom, the worst part is being only half way down. By the time you’ve hit bottom you feel pretty fucking good. You’ve got nothing left, no attachments, no desires, no where to go but up from there. And it feels good.”

How the pack was formed:

The Splat Pack bagan on a fateful evening at The Blue Moon Saloon, a venue that has come to have prominence in the lives of Splat Packers. Marie, who had recently returned to Lafayette and was 4 months into the divorce process spotted Liz in the crowd. She recognized her face but couldn’t remember how she knew her. Liz was thinking the same thing about her and approached her. The two quickly realized they had been in architecture together in college. Liz was now a practicing architect while Marie had dropped out of architecture in her second year. They quickly exchanged getting-a-divorce/my-husband-is-sleeping-with-his-student stories and clicked. The third member completed the trio when Liz invited Marie to her office during Festival International.

Sam had also been in architecture with the pair. Marie remembered Sam well and was pleasantly surprised to see him at Liz’s little office party. The trio spent time together that weekend and a natural pack formed. Sam lives in New Orleans so Liz and Marie spent more time together than the trio but they are at their Splatty-est when all together. The group was christened the Splat Pack one weekend when one of the girls said they thought they had hit rock bottom and was well on her way to recovery. Sam, self-proclaimed king of the pack……”I am your King,” he can be heard to proclaim in his smooth baritone voice……..corrected his naive little splat subject and instructed them both on the difference between…still falling….and hitting rock bottom or splatting.

As King, Sir Splatrick approves interns, hands out points or stars and sometimes threatens to banish members but overall remains a benevolent and beloved ruler.

Splat Pack Language (in no particular order of origin and usage)

SLT – Stick the Landing…..originated during the olympics…can mean to follow through, come to a finish, mean what you say, do it right….or really anything you want it to mean….’cause if you don’t stick the landing nothing else counts.

FYCM – Fuck You, Call Me……originated from Liz and Marie’s frustration with the habit of people younger than they, males especially, of communicating mainly through texting, especially when the communication is not a short note or question, but a paragraph of feelings, emotions or long explanations. This frustration is especially applied to its use as an “asking out,” tool. The latter prompting the girl packers to wish they could say to their text-ors….Fuck You [with the texting], [grow a pair,] and Call Me. FYCM, when used within the pack has come to simply mean, call me now or call me soon, what I have to say is not textable.

TnR–Tuck and Roll….advice given to Joseph, a Splat Pack intern who was seriously considering opening the door and jumping out during a particularly Splatty car ride from a Splat Pack event.

I Will Cut You….self-explanatory……not usually said or written in acronym form…..first uttered by Marie when she had to go Mansura-ghetto on Joseph when he suggested she was not really from Avoyelles Parish…..also a reference to a MAD TV character, Bon Qui Qui who works at King Burger.

[note: Splat Packers often reference such pop culture/movie/television memes, with Sam being the fount of knowledge in this area.]

Be The Mouse….this has cross-group origins…..the general advice of experienced single people in reference to how a single woman should behave if she wants the object of her desire to chase her. [It doesn’t always work.]

This is The Part in the Lifetime Movie When…… a preface or warning given during an evening out with Splatters when events take a turn for the weird, questionable or dangerous…..based on the idea that the tragic results of the night will lead to a Lifetime Movie being created about the incident…….thus one might say, “this is where the Lifetime Movie will begin,” or “this is the part in the Lifetime Movie, where the exit is blocked by a dresser.”

You Gotta Dawta?……An inexplicable question posed to Marie, in a Bronx-like accent by a douche bag at the Blue Moon who later slapped Liz on the leg before asking and not receiving Marie’s phone numba. Now incorporated into the general slang of the Packers.

It’s Gonna Get Weird, Bitches…..a prescient proclamation made by Marie before a Splat Pack weekend. It did in fact, get weird.

Trashy and a Little Bit Gross…..a combination of descriptives given by objective observers about Marie and Liz’s respective ex’s and/or their “girlfriends”…….later became a general call out phrase to describe anything…..

SHOTS…… of the first call-out phrases of a Splat Pack night out…..based on a pledge to NOT mention ex’s during the evening, punishable by shots…..the pledge was broken by Marie when she responded to Sam’s accusation, “You’re a hard lead,” by saying, “That comes from 21 years of not being properly lead.” The consuming of shots followed.

Orange Tranny…..the description of Marie’s ex’s girlfriend, confirmed by objective observers after at least three different sightings.

Peanut Butter Tranny Time….an adapted form of Orange Tranny adopted from a Jenna Marbles You Tube video.

Please Advise…..a line written to Liz in a disturbing e-mail by a strange, older man.

HHBS…..Hip Hop Boot Stomping…..Joseph’s nickname after above-mentioned, strange, older man referenced him thusly in said e-mail.

Building A Diorama….a suggested action taken when one receives such an e-mail in order to dissect its meaning and come to better understanding of its context and purpose in the universe……also applicable to any confusing situation or communication from non-Splatters…..for example Liz and Marie are meeting at Pamplona’s to build a diaroma means they have a situation to discuss, analyze, understand and develop a plan for.

Tennis Bashir…..a racially insensitive name given to a love/lust interest of Marie’s who happens to be from India and plays tennis…….also known as Mr. Wilson Penn Head.

[note, the Splat Pack is notoriously racially insensitive. They are also childish, sexist and morally repugnant]

WU-TANG…..a cry of prowess, bravery, bad-ass-ness or encouragement…..originating from a “When Keepin’ It Real Goes Bad” sketch from the Chapelle Show who is himself referencing the WU-TANG Clan, who incidentally are not to be fucked with.

Keep It Real……a somewhat sarcastic piece of advice…..because Keepin’ It Real can go very wrong.

You Know Liz Can See This, Right……a warning about the tone, candor, crudeness or sexual overtones of a text conversation that may have begun as a relatively innocent, playful and informational three-way exchange but delved into two-way banter between a Splat Pack sub-group who didn’t bother switching to a private text conversation.

Da Hell You Say……a version of Sam’s last name.

Litra-Lee…..a play on the overuse of the word literally, a reference to the Brits Liz and Marie allowed to ride along with them from Lafayette to New Orleans, affectionately remembered as Harry and Wills.

JGTFT……..Just Go The Fuck There…..what to do when you’re not sure about making a move or its possible consequences….JGTFT can lead to the same consequences as Keepin’ It Real.

HNF….He’s Not Flirting…a reminder that the flirting language of men is fluid and not standardized……one person’s goofing off or playful teasing may not be meant as overtures of romance or lust, though easily interpreted that way by the object of the teasing…..a mantra spoken by one splatter to the other……to prevent said splatter from JGTFT or Keepin’ It Real….update: HNFBIA….He’s Not Flirting But I Am…..what happens when the mantra is ignored and a splatter JGTFT.

FOS….Full of Shit or SFOS…So Full of Shit..self-explanatory

Perils of Wisdom……Sam’s characterization of his own advice and utterings….though they are often taken by his subjects as pearls of wisdom….Sam’s role as wise-king is curiously juxtaposed by his naiveté at his own power of influence or the consequences of how this power is used…..Sam is still splatting, himself (that was a peril of wisdom) Sam is also often FOS.

C’mon, Baybee…….another Sam-ism, first uttered in jest to Marie…..the continuation and escalation of which lead directly to Marie’s JGTFT  (consequences of which have yet to play out… far not an instance of Keepin’ It Real going bad but only time will tell).

FYCTFD….Fuck You Calm The Fuck Down……self explanatory…..expressed by Sam after a particularly difficult day in reference to a co-worker.

DIB….Dick In a Box…an homage to the Andy Samburg/Justin Timberlake SNL skit, appropriated by Liz and Marie to have a new meaning. Put your dick in a box or putting his dick (PTDIB) in a box means to classify a man as unavailable or out of reach……or whose attentions one should ignore…….what one should attempt to do if one’s heart is going one way while one’s head knows it’s a bad idea.

Other notable quotes:

“Somebody’s gonna get pregnant.”

“Oh, Bay Hills, Yeah we used to go to camp there.”

“The last time I saw you, you were on the floor at the Blue Moon.”

“Hey, You’re talking to the best looking guy at the Rock n’ Bowl.”

“I don’t understand anything you guys are saying, but it’s hilarious.”

“Blues Boxey you say, okay
Dare I say, you feel that way.

Could I suppose, thats just for today.
Or is this permanent feeling that won’t go away.

The lifetime movie that ends with a dresser,
Just got weirder, said Marie, God Bless her!!”


“Why won’t you let me give you a massage?”

“Because when you touch me it makes me feel like you’re trying to shove me back into your uterus.” (Splatter referring to her mother. wow.)


“I don’t know what she’s saying but she’s doing her ghetto head move which means she’s full of shit.”

“We need to do it before Rachel gets out of jail.”


From → Rantings

  1. ditchthemarriage permalink

    I love this, I mean I freaking LOVE this! Not only did I inexplicably understand every word of this, I have two friends with whom I am fairly sure share a secret language with me, except they are not divorced, in fact they are a couple! HTWH! “Hey third wheelin here”

    • nicolebellpeppers permalink

      Thanks for the comments, likes and reblog. I like your stuff too and it seems familiar, though you are much younger. For what it’s worth, congratulations on being brave and getting out early on. You’re saving yourself years of unhappiness. If you figure out men, please share. lol I’ll be watching your blog. -nicole

  2. ditchthemarriage permalink

    Reblogged this on Young And Divorced… fumbling back toward fabulous one day at a time and commented:
    I love this!

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