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Carpe Diem, Bitches!

August 6, 2012

There are times in our lives that we remember as sections. Childhood. High School. College. When the kids were young. Or When we were first married. When Mom was sick. Right after Mom Died. Just after Hurricane Katrina.

Change is the only constant and all of these phases end and change. I am acutely aware that I am living one of those phases right now. Right after the divorce. When we were all divorcing. The Splat Pack days. These are good days filled with friendship and camaraderie. Laughter and dancing. Silliness and flirting. Crushes and new developments. It’s fun. But I can feel the tension of it being at its peak. I’m on the top of the mountain. The walk up was hard but adventurous. How long will I be able to stand on the top, glorious and triumphant? When will the decent begin? Will it be a long walk down, just as fun and filled with joy, my cohorts by my side? Or will it be a fall, tumbling down and scrapping myself up all along the way?

I danced last night to live music and then 80s songs played through someone’s ipod at the Blue Moon. Liz was with me. We were silly and goofy and had fun with abandon, like the time we fell down on the floor laughing at two in the morning. She spent the night at my apartment and we sat in my bed, drank coffee and talked and laughed for two hours this morning. We listened to the song Sam texted us both, “Lovely Day,” by Bill Withers. A sweet gesture, typical of Sam. I’m collecting a plethora of such memories. Times with Sam and Liz. People we meet and laugh with or at. Endorphins flowing. Catharsis and Silliness. Learning to waltz and zydeco. Laughing and sharing life stories with Liz. Being held in Sam’s strong arms when we dance.

I’m trying to live in the moment. Enjoy the beauty of life as it comes to me. Embrace the blessings. Carpe Diem and all that. But in the back of my head I know, this too shall pass. This is going to end and I don’t want it to. I’ve had too much loss in my life. My mother is gone. She wasn’t here to see me through the tragedy of my divorce. She’s not hear to be proud of how well I’m doing. The loss of my marriage. The loss of the plans we made, the future we promised each other.

I can’t bear to think of the loss of this, too. I can feel it creeping up on us. The fear of the loss both tempers my ability to enjoy it and encourages me to revel in each day. I hope I’m wrong. Maybe the fun we’re having now will just slow down a little  but continue. My parents had such life-long friends. It is possible.

The only other relationships I’ve had that are both similar and life-long are with my siblings. That’s what I want with Liz and Sam. I want them to become my family and I want this to never end. Blood-siblings? Can we adopt each other?

I’ll have to look into that. In the meantime, may the fates keep us together, because God help me I like behaving like a teenager again. Flirting for three hours with one friend in the evening and giving a report about it the next morning with the other. I like the mid-day messages and ridiculous conversations. I like meeting in Lafayette or New Orleans and dancing and being silly. I like having fun and being happy.

This is The Time We Were All Together and Happy. May it last for years.

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From → Rantings

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