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August 6, 2012
I miss you mom.
July 29 was the 7-year anniversary of my mother’s death. Since the first anniversary, I promised myself that I would always take the day off no matter what was going on either personally or professionally and do something fun for myself. This year was no different. The day coincided with a friend’s birthday party and a long weekend spent with good friends. The 29th fell on Sunday and beginning that Friday we laughed and danced and goofed off and “passed a good time.” [cajun accent there] We went to the party and everything was going really well until the folksy-jam session of our musician hosts produced a sad and beautiful blue grass song about a dying mother and her words of blessing to her daughter.
One of the last things my mother said to me was that she was going to miss me the most and she hoped I would find the strength to live with courage.
I tried to hold it together as I sat in the living room next to my friends but I could feel the emotions welling up. The tears were building and I knew the feeling well enough to know that I had better remove myself from the situation before I lost control. I got up and walked outside and let it all out. I sat in the garden for  few minutes and cried, then pulled myself together and went back in.
“No sad songs on the way home, ok, Pickle,” I said to Liz as we headed back.
Sam and I sat in the back and sang out loud to Prince’s “Kiss,” and Cake’s cover of “I Will Survive,” among others. Back at the house I blanketed my emotions with wine and exorcised the memories with dancing.
Ever since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking of her. I miss her so much. It’s been so difficult, going through these changes without her here. I was walking in the park when Allison Kraus’s “Stay,” played in my ears. It’s a love song, but for some reason, ever since my mom died that song makes me think of her. The lyrics are:
Where have you been,
My long lost friend?
It’s good to see you again.
Come and sit for a while
I’ve missed your smile
Today the past is goodbye.
Time can’t erase
A lover’s embrace.
Can’t you hear it calling?
A new day dawning
You were longing to find.
Love’s taken you far
Away from my heart,
And I’ve been here all alone.
Have your eyes failed to find
What took you from mine,
A vision that’s faded through time?
But you sailed away,
A fine summer’s day,
Cause you heard it calling,
A new day dawning,
You were longing to find.
There is a way to make you stay.
Darlin’ don’t turn away
Don’t doubt your heart
and keep us apart
I’m right where you are
There is a way to make you stay.
Darlin don’t turn away.
Don’t doubt your heart
and keep us apart
I’m right where you are
I imagine her visiting me and me asking, “Where have you been, my long lost friend.” The song pleads for someone to stay. “There is a way to make you stay.” Whenever I hear those words I am instantly taken back to my mom’s last days at home. Michelle and I tending to her every need. We tried to stop it from happening. The way she died. It was like she was leaving us, slowly. She was in this world but not completely. She seemed like she was in another realm and every day she took one step closer to the other world, leaving ours. I wanted to scream at her, “Don’t go. You don’t have to leave. There is a way to make you stay. Don’t turn away.” But she left anyway. I couldn’t stop it.
As I was listening to the song in the park, I was crying and thinking that I’m overall pretty happy right now. I’m doing well. I’m having fun. But I miss her so much. I think she would be proud of how well I’m doing. I want her to be here to be proud of me, the way only she could. Just as I was thinking this in the park I looked up and there before my eyes was the brightest rainbow I think I’ve ever seen. The sun was shining opposite a dark blue, rain filled sky and a semi-circle of brilliant color was on display before me.
After mom died my sister Michelle was given to attributing any good thing as being a sign from mom. Michael and I thought she was being silly. If a dragonfly appeared, It was mom. If Michelle saw a dolphin in the water at the beach, It was mom. If she won a prize, it was mom. I usually find such notions ridiculous but when I saw that rainbow appear before me just as I was hoping that my mom were here to support me, it did kind of seem like she was sending me a message. I am here. and I am proud of you and it is going to be okay.
Thanks, mom. I miss you. I’m going to try to make you proud of me and I’m going to try to have the courage to live well.

From → Rantings

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