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I Was Bad Today

November 21, 2012

I was bad today. My computer at work was dead. The IT guy said he would have the hard drive replaced sometime today, so I was useless at the office until then. It’s Thanksgiving week and most of the staff including my boss are gone. Knowing I wasn’t expected in the morning at 8:30, I slept in until 9. I went to a local coffee shop to read and do some writing. Then the new guy and one of the regulars at the Blue Moon showed up. I was distracted by their conversation. The new guy, the one who was in town for an interview, was in a bad spot. He was practically homeless and the stress he was experiencing was seeping through his pores. The other guy was leaving to go home for Thanksgiving and kicked him out of his place.

Just as they were leaving, the IT guy called. My computer was ready. Then Pickle called to have lunch, so I thought I’d go into work after lunch. I kept reading. We walked to a new place around the corner. Best fucking burgers I think I’ve ever had! Our lunch ran long as they are want to do. Pickle is facing some pretty tense family drama. Her niece is in trouble. I met her once. Beautiful, sweet, smart 12-year old. She was funny and engaging. Pickle says she’s on suicide watch now. Sigh. It was hard to leave Pickle when she was so upset. Her sister texted her during lunch. “Help,” was all it read. She told her sister she’d come pick up the kids for the day. Walking back, she stopped in the middle of sidewalk and started crying, “To think I thought all these years that I couldn’t be a mother.” I hugged her and said, “Of course you’re going to be a great mother.” Pickle wants to have a baby.

I left her and was supposed to go to the office. It was after 1. I decided to go for a walk early instead. Since the fall time change, it gets dark at 5 and I have to walk in the dark if I go after work, so I’ve been sneaking in early walks as often as I can. “I’ll go for a walk, then read and make notes at a coffee shop,” I told myself. I went to my apartment to change. I laid down on my bed for just a minute. Two hours later I woke up. Son of a Bitch! I went for my walk at 3.

All my life I’ve struggled with a lack of discipline and ambition. I have talents. I’m smart. But I’ve always felt like someone else would’ve done more with what gifts I have. Someone with more drive and passion. I miss opportunities. I quit things. I just don’t have the ambition or energy others seem to have. I make so many mistakes.

I have this big project at work. I’ve been given a chance to curate the next exhibit. I’m calling it Leaving Earth, the history of space flight. It’s right up my alley. I did research on the same subject years ago. I wrote a timeline of rocketry and space travel. I know I can get it done. I have all the skills I need to make it happen but for some reason I can’t seem to get any momentum going. I’m always distracted.

I can’t seem to find balance. All my life there’s been something off. When I was a mother, I had no career. When I was a student, I couldn’t give it 100% because I was a mother. When I had a family, I didn’t eat right or exercise. Now, I’m single for the first time in my life. The only thing I’m doing right is exercising. I’m addicted to walking in the park. If I don’t get out there every day, I feel off. But I’m not doing what I need to in the other areas. I don’t want to feel like a failure anymore. I want to achieve something substantial. I want the word successful used when someone describes me.

I need to get my act together. I need to be better. I was bad today.

Tomorrow’s another chance to be great.

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From → Rantings

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