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It Still Hurts

December 28, 2012

I’m fine. I’m really fine. It’s Christmas night. I’m doing ok. Then I get one little piece of information and ka-blam, it gets to me. I don’t want it to. Duck, Dodge, Weave. Still necessary.

Talked to my daughter for a long time. She was telling me all about all the toys my grandson, George got for Christmas. They had a good Christmas. Their first as parents. I was happy for her. Then she mentioned my ex and his new girlfriend. Apparently he bought Orange Tranny’s daughter a dancing game for the Wii. Great. That’s wonderful. He gave our kids $100 each. I bought ten, $1 hot-wheel cars for George. It cost me $6 to ship them to Hawaii. That is the extent of my gift giving this year because I’m broke.

I know I should be past it. I know my fate is in my hands. But God help me it still stings a little. We came to a financial settlement based on the fact that the company wasn’t doing well. I gave up trying to be bought out of my half. I remember the e-mails dripping with disdain and pleading poverty and sacrifice. But he’s buying expensive gifts for his new family while I can’t afford to live. I’m on an unsustainable path.

The better part of me wants to get past this. I want to be better. I want to be that centered person who can hear about his new life and new family without bitterness and anger. Either I’m not there yet or it’s just too much for any sane person to be capable of.

I hear such opposing accounts of his life. He seems to be doing fine. He’s not alone. He’s having regular sex or so I assume. He even has new kids to take care of. He’s practically a step-dad.

I’m alone. No one is calling. No one is asking me out. No one seems interested. Why is that?

Then there’s what his friend and employee, Mike told me at a party last week. “Have you seen his girlfriend?” he asked.

“Yeah, I call her Orange Tranny,” I replied.

“She’s trashy,” he said. “She’s gross. She works at the front desk,” he said with disdain.

“Yeah, so I heard,” I replied.

“That’s so tacky,” he said, to have your girlfriend working at the front desk at your company.

“Yeah, my son said she offered to buy him a sofa or microwave for his new apartment. Meanwhile he refused to co-sign the lease,” I said.

“Yeah, because owing $400/month would destroy his company,” he said. I was surprised at his disdain. I thought he was my ex’s right hand man, so to speak. There was another employee at the party. He took over as plant manager when the my ex fired the first plant manager. I was shocked to learn he didn’t work for him anymore. He quit. He worked there for over 10 years before my ex bought the company almot 2 years ago.

“Yeah, I’m not a big fan right now,” he said.

“Join the club, we’re having t-shirts made,” I joked.

“That wouldn’t be hard. I work in a t-shirt shop now,” he confessed.

Holy shit. I heard about his firing the first plant manager. She took a lot of customers with her. Now one of his former co-workers, friend and trusted employee quit and his other close friend and employee is talking about him with no respect whatsoever. Damn. I guess things aren’t always as they seem.

“I don’t understand him,” Mike said.

Wow. Join the club. I haven’t understood him in years.

OK. So, buying gifts and giving money and being seen with Orange Tranny on your arm isn’t the whole story. Maybe I’m not doing so bad in comparison. I don’t want him to fail. I don’t wish unhappiness on him. But I have to admit, knowing that he might be OK, carrying on without me like nothing ever happen is a hard pill to swallow. It’s especially hard when I hear about it from my kids. He sent George hot wheel cars, too. A lot more than I did. Sigh.

Duck, Dodge, Weave. I don’t know how long it’s  going to continue to hurt. I don’t know how long I’m going to make these comparisons and let what’s happening in his life affect how I feel about mine. I don’t want to do that anymore.

My only hope is success and love. So, back to work and back to searching for soul mates in every crowd.

Maybe next Christmas will be better.

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From → Rantings

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