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Still Throwing the Blame Punch, Huh? How’s That Working for You?

April 29, 2013

I got an e-mail from him:

Marie,

I’m sending you a check for $214.56, which is a refund of my rent from the apartment. Your name was on the original lease, so you need to endorse it. I’ve already signed the back, so you can just deposit it and I will deduct it from next month’s support check.

I was expecting more back from them (another $350), but they didn’t refund the pet deposit or security deposit due to carpet damage.

Thanks,

“Your ex-husband.”

I hate getting e-mails from him. I hate that I hate getting e-mails from him. I digested the gist of the message. He’s sending me a check out of convenience and he’s going to deduct it from the monthly support check. OK. No big deal. Whatever. I replied the way he used to reply to me so often, “OK.”

But it festered. That afternoon I started crying in the park. Damnit.

I sometimes get blindsided by these conflicting feelings about the end of my marriage:

1. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t miss him. I’m better off. I’m happier. I don’t want to be anywhere near the tension and blame and bullshit that is his daily life. I have no regrets.

and….

2. The loss. The grief. My God. I spent half of my life with him. The more I’m away from him, the more I realize how hard I tried. The more myself I am able to be, the more I realize what a shell of myself I had become. Twenty years is a long fucking time. How do you sweep that into a dustpan and throw it away, like it’s nothing?

I cried for the loss. The loss of me. The loss of the marriage. The loss of time. I sat in the clover in the park and put my head in my hands and sobbed.

It wasn’t until I went back and read the e-mail again that it hit me…… “I was expecting more back from them but……”

Read between the lines. This is what it really says:

This is your fault. You cost me money. Again. You and your little dog cost me money. I blame you. You are failing me even after I divorced you. You suck and I want you to never forget what a complete failure you are!

Mother fucker is still blaming me. It’s not enough that I’m out of his life. It’s not enough that he filed for divorce 17 days after I left. It’s not enough that he moved on and had a girlfriend before our divorce was final. It’s not enough that he told me I was NOTHING BUT A FUCKING BURDEN TO HIM!  No..no….no, that’s not enough! He has to keep placing blame in my lap like a bomb.

How exactly did he expect me to respond to that not-s0-subtle criticism? Did he think I’d apologize? Did he think I’d offer to compensate him the difference? Did he want me to feel guilty? WTF? What a fucking asshole.

Okay. Easy. I know. Calm down.

Of course it pisses me off that it worked. I got worked up about it. I cried. He made me cry. He gets a blog because of it. He still has that power. I hate that.

Well, good job, ex! Congratulations! You still got it. You can still find ways of blaming someone you’ve eliminated from your life. Good going there, sport! Pat yourself on the back there, chief. I hope it makes you feel real good inside. I hope you get a tingle of satisfaction and warmth in your heart, knowing you’ve thrown another punch my way and I cried over it.

You still got it! I hope it’s working for you, you magnificent douchebag.

Have fun at tranny’s. Good luck with the little love nest. I can’t wait to get the wedding invitations. I hope they’re orange.

Oh, by the way:

GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Sigh. Thank God for blogging. Now I don’t have to e-mail that.

lol

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From → Rantings

2 Comments
  1. GaneshaGirl permalink

    Were you married to my live-in ex-boyfriend? You pretty much described him to a tee!

    Relax, I’m not the tranny is disguise.

    Hang in there, they’ll get theirs!

  2. Kitten permalink

    Thanks and thanks for following. You might enjoy “Thank you orange tranny” lol It’s a long process and it still hurts sometimes. And I agree with your assertion…..if when things are your fault, no one deserves to be treated like that.

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