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Arrested Development

May 15, 2013

I pulled into the Chili’s parking lot and felt like I was driving up to my dealer.I walked up to the to-go entrance, paid for my chips and salsa (one bag of chips with two large containers of salsa) and got in the car. I felt ashamed. I kept looking at the bag on the passenger’s seat with guilt.

I used to do this all the time. When I was fat. I would tell myself it wasn’t that bad for me. Chili’s chips and salsa was my crack. I haven’t done this in so long.

I didn’t even walk today.

Something’s off. I feel weird.

I had a good day at work. Got there on time. Worked relatively hard. Talked to my boss and managed to both hide my contempt and stand up for myself a little.

The weather is beautiful today. I should’ve been at the park. My heaven. My new crack. Something happened when I got home. I laid down on the bed for 30 minutes with Arrested Development on. The timer went off and instead of getting up and changing, I stayed in bed.

Then it hit me. The craving for my old comfort food. I fought the impulse but found myself placing the order on the phone.

Driving home, with my salsa crack next to me, I looked around and just felt numb.

I just don’t want to be alive right now. I don’t feel like it. It’s too much trouble. I know I have to stay alive.

I have to stay alive for my daughter. I talked to her today. I was fine then. I told her a funny story about Pickle. She told me all about the trip she’s on with her family. She doesn’t need me, exactly. But she needs to have a mom she can call to tell her about her life. She needs to know that I’m here, alive and doing well. So, I have to live.

And my son. He took me to eat crawfish yesterday. I see him at the park all the time. He actually does need me right now. Materially. He’s on my phone plan and insurance policy. My name is on his apartment lease. I know he needs to be able to answer the phone, “Hey Bitch!” when I call and laugh with his friends about the unusual relationship he has with his mom. I know he needs me to be alive.

I know I’m supposed to want to be alive. To value life. But sometimes I look around, I see the beauty, but I just don’t care. I want to rest. Forever. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to feel uncertainty. I don’t want to feel apathy and wonder how I’m going to find drive and energy.

I’m tired of being around stupid people. I’m tired of everything being so unreal and such bullshit. I’m tired of liars and disingenuous people. I’m tired of being alive.

I can take a day right? I can not walk today and curl into bed with chips and salsa and have an Arrested Development marathon. I can not want to live and bide the time until morning and hope that then, I’ll feel like living and trying and working towards a future?

OK. I’m taking a day. The salsa should be chilled by now.

Ha. Arrested Development. I just got the irony.

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From → Rantings

One Comment
  1. Rose permalink

    I feel your pain…and now I want some chips and salsa, except, being the fat girl that I am, I want white cheese dip, too! 🙂

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