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A Non-Story

June 20, 2013

Yesterday was a weird day. I made stupid mistakes all day. Not serious ones. Just silly shit.

 After work I drove to the park. I drove instead of riding my bike because my son said he wanted to get something out of my car. I hate carrying my keys withme when I walk, so I usually put them in the glove compartment and leave the passenger door open. Yesterday I was distracted. I was on the phone with my son. He was having a bad day too. I put the keys in the glove compartment, got out of the car and instinctively pressed the lock button down, locking ALL of the car doors before slamming it shut.

“Son-of-a-Bitch!” I exclaimed.

I told my son what I had just done. “I have an idea.” he said. “Let me call you back.”

Meanwhile, I called Pop-A-Lock, gave them my information and asked how much it would cost to open the door. $45. OK. That’s not so bad.

“I think Dad has a copy of the key but he’s not answering so, whatever,” my son texted.

“I’ll take care of it. Thanks for trying.” I texted back.

About 30 minutes later, enough time for me to walk once around the park, the Pop-A-Lock guy showed up. He easily opened the door then followed me a few blocks to my apartment. I went upstairs, got my checkbook and wrote him a check while making the usual small talk about how silly it was for me to lock my keys in the car. Like he’s never heard that before.

There was still plenty of daylight left. So, I got right back in my car, drove back to the park, kept my keys with me and went back to walking, happily listening to music and enjoying the late afternoon sun as it streaked through the moss and painted the park shades of pale green and yellow.

“OK. That was no big deal,” I thought to myself.

Something wasn’t right. I locked my keys in my car. I spent money to get them back. There was something missing from the equation. The whole situation felt strangely non-stressful. It was a non-event. What was missing?

Oh, yeah……I remember!

No one was blaming me. No one was making fun of me for being stupid. Not even my son. I didn’t have to listen to a tense voice over the phone or see that look on somebody’s face. You know that look, that….I’m going to be understanding and forgiving….look…… but really what I’m going to do is savor this evidence of your incompetence and stupidity and hoard it like a precious jewel……and wait until the right moment when I can use it as a weapon against you.

Yeah. That’s what was missing.

It’s so nice to have the freedom to have a bad day, make a silly mistake and just deal with it and get over it.

But I know the wounds haven’t healed yet. Because I felt the difference. I thought about the subtle pain that used to invade the air when I made a silly, easily fixable mistake and had to pay for it with pieces of my soul. Remembering it allows me to appreciate the joy of having a non-event. But I look forward to the day when I make a stupid mistake, acknowledge it, solve it and get over it without remembering what it used to be like. I don’t want to notice the absence of the blame in my life. I want happiness to feel normal.

One mistake at a time, I guess.

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From → Rantings

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