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When you Ass U Me

July 7, 2013

Kitten Reads a Book: Part 4

The third agreement is also simple: “Don’t Make Assumptions.”

We all know we’re not supposed to assume. But we do it every day, every minute of the day. That’s one of the lessons I learned when I started dating again. I quickly learned not to guess what someone else was thinking because I was usually wrong. It’s really hard not to make assumptions because we all want answers. We want to know what someone is thinking or why they are doing what they’re doing. Even strangers we observe every day. So, we naturally guess and imagine and then we make up things that are usually far from the truth. Then we believe those assumptions and need to justify them because we’re invested in them.

All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally.

To keep this agreement you have to learn to have courage to ask questions instead of assuming. The author teaches that you should find your voice, be impeccable with your word and go and find out what someone else is thinking by asking them. Such a simple idea. Most of us don’t do it.

We make assumptions based on social constructs and ideas about relationships. We think everyone is on the same page, that everyone is working from the same definitions that we are. We assume to be an employee, a leader, an artist, a friend, a lover, a wife, a sister, a citizen…..means the same to others as it does to us. When it doesn’t we’re disappointed and hurt. We assume people around us know what we want and need, so we don’t tell them.

Then we defend our assumptions because we need to be right and make others wrong and conflict and pain follows.

The solution is simple. Ask and tell. Ask questions and tell people what we feel, what we’re thinking and what we want.

I love the way the author connects this concept to relationships and love:

Making assumptions in relationships is the worst….We lie to ourselves. We lie about what we really want. We lie to ourselves about other people to justify the relationship with them. We assume our love will change someone. Your love will not change anyone. If others change it’s because they want to change. When something goes wrong, you see what you denied before, now amplified by your emotional poison. Now, you have to justify your pain and blame others for your choices.

We need to justify love. Real love is accepting other people just the way they are. Find someone whom you don’t have to change…..and that person must love you just the way you are….. We have to be what we are……..

If you love me the way I am, OK, take me. If you don’t love me the way I am, OK, bye bye.

I want to have that last phrase tattooed on my forehead. I hope I never forget that concept. As I move forward with new relationships, I’m going to try to remember this agreement.


From → Rantings

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