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Figs and Midol

July 13, 2013

July 10, 2013

Today was weird.

Yesterday I was on a I-got-a-new-job-today high. I ended it with champagne and friends.

Today I told the staff I was leaving. They were all happy for me. They said I deserved it. That I was talented and should be in a position that suited my skills.

My boss has been acting like a boyfriend who’s been told his girlfriend is in love with someone else. He’s trashing the new guy. I’m not sure he’s even doing it consciously but today he trash-talked my new boss. It was weird. And more than a bit disrepectful. It left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Then my ex e-mailed me. We still haven’t transferred the vehicles out of each other’s names. He wants us to meet a notary and get it finished. The thought of seeing him grossed me out. I don’t want to see him. Why don’t I want to see him? I don’t want to be reminded of who I once was. I just got this new job with people who respect me. I’m afraid I’m going to take one look at him and be transported back into the body of the insecure, belittled wife. I’m afraid the bubble will burst and he’ll look at me and say, “You know you’re not really this person you think you are.” I’m angry at myself for having this fear. I’m angry that he still has that power over me. I don’t want him to know he still has that power over me. Oh, and in the e-mail he mentioned that he’s been getting my speeding tickets. He had to throw that in. Why he hasn’t just been mailing them to me, I do not know.

My sister posted something on facebook, a happy post about finally getting her divorce settlement. I played the role of supportive sister and messaged her a positive message of congratulations. She responded with a whiney, negative tirade. She said she didn’t have the money yet and wasn’t holding her breath because there had been so many delays. She said she was going crazy at our Dad’s house. So, I politely got out of the conversation. She didn’t ask me anything about how I’m doing.

My uterus is angry with me and is reacting violently. So I was bloated and cranky by the time I got to the park. My ex wanted to meet the next day. The thought of seeing him filled me with anxiety. I tried to hold it together but I ended up crying on the side of the walking trail. Not the first or last time I’ve cried at the park.

I almost gave up after three laps but I decided to kick the park’s ass. I put one of my favorite upbeat songs on and strutted the fourth lap angrily. I walked off my anger at my uterus, at my ex, at my boss and my sister.

Then I picked figs at a friend’s house and ate them raw until my tongue had that burning feeling from the fuzzy peelings.

Figs make everything better.

And Midol.


From → Rantings

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