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Dick In a Box (again.)

August 28, 2013

“You put that Dick in a Box!” Liz said. We came up with that phrase a year ago. For Lapin and Sam.

I laughed out loud when she said that to me on the phone. “Oh my God. You’re right. That’s exactly what I did. I forgot about that phrase. Dick in a box. That’s what he is now.”

Z had just left my apartment. I broke up with him. Or at least that’s the way I see it.

My premonitions were right. Things were different. When we were together that four weeks back in April, he sent me messages every morning. He spent time with me as often as he could, spending most nights with me. He couldn’t get enough of me. When he left, I wanted to put things on hold. I didn’t want to make any promises. I knew that a million things could change. But he sold me on the idea that we could pick up where we left off. He talked to me everyday. He painted a picture and I bought into it. He talked about all the time we would spend together. The things we would do together with our friends. I bought into it because I wanted to be open to love. I wanted to accept and give love freely. I wanted to be a better person.

I walked around on cloud nine back then. Little birds were flying around my head. I was giddy because he was in my life. Even over the past three months, I lived my life knowing there was a man out there in the world who was crazy about me, who wanted to be with me again. Who made time to talk to me everyday and told me how much he missed me. It took the edge off a little, having that card in my back pocket.

The past week hasn’t been like that. No birds and rainbows. I’ve been confused and disappointed and sad and annoyed and pissed. It wasn’t working for me. I didn’t know when he would be in touch. I didn’t know when I would see him. I was a girl waiting on a boy. That wasn’t ok with me.

A few nights ago, he started a text conversation, just chit chat. He was being cute. The old Z, I thought. He asked if he could come over and we could watch a movie together. I said sure, even though it was getting late. About half an hour later he texted again saying he had changed his mind. He was tired. I looked at that text and said out loud in my apartment, “Oh, hell no!” I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the way he was treating me. I didn’t like the way I was feeling.

The next day I messaged him, asking him if we could make a deal. I asked him not to say he was coming over unless he really wanted to come over. He agreed but wanted to know why. “Because it leaves me feeling disappointed,” I said. He apologized.

I went out Friday night and danced all night. I had a great time but by the time I biked home I felt sad again. It was Friday night and I was supposedly a woman with a boyfriend? Why was I going out alone? Why didn’t I know what he was doing and he didn’t know what I was doing? “This just isn’t working,” I thought.

So, Saturday morning, I put a feeler out to him via facebook. I wanted to talk to him that day. I had tried to have this conversation before, right after he came back but we were still not on the same page. Liz called for a diaroma of the previous night’s events. I was sitting at her kitchen table when he replied. After telling her some funny stories about the night before, I was telling her how I was feeling about Z.

She coached me through the message exchange that ensued. I asked Z what he was doing and if he had time to see me. “Tomorrow morning for sure,” was his reply. That wasn’t going to cut it. Liz wanted me to say something like, “1 pm–my apartment.” What I like about our relationship is, she can strongly advise me and I can just say, “No, I’m not doing that.” or “Yeah, that’s not my style.” I can take her input and filter it through. That’s how we roll. So, finding my own voice I told him I wanted to see him that day. I had something on my mind. He said “How about now.” I told him to give me 10 minutes and told Liz I was off to break up with Z.

He came over and I struggled to tell him that I thought things were different between us. He claimed he still couldn’t see it. I told him I felt differently or felt that he was different. He didn’t know what to say. I told him I didn’t know what I was to him. He confessed he didn’t either. There it is. I asked him if he considered me his girlfriend. He said he didn’t know. He said he didn’t know what to say to his roommates and friends when they asked about us. That made sense to me. It fit with his behavior. I was beginning to understand what was going on and I was seeing what I needed to do. He asked me if I wanted to break up. “No.” I said. “Yes. I don’t know.”

“If we break up. We’ll still be friends,” he said. “We’ll still see each other and talk. You understand?” He asked.

“Ok.” I said.

Despite, or because of the tone of the conversation, we started making out and it quickly got heated. We had some rather hot break-up sex. It reminded me of what it was like with him the first time.

“I like having sex with you,” I told him afterwards.

“I love having sex with you,” he said.

We sat on the bed and I told him, “Ok. Here’s the deal. I’m not your girlfriend. You’re not my boyfriend. If someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I’m going to say, ‘no.’ And if you want to see me, let me know. But give me some notice, not late at night. Is that ok with you.”

He easily agreed, got dressed and left.

That was that. I don’t know if he walked away with the same understanding as I did but I think this is over. Yeah, there might be some bootie calls, a little harmless, meaningless sex now and again, though I wouldn’t be surprised if that didn’t happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if I never spend any time with him again.

So, that’s it. All that talk, all the things we said to each other……all the proclamations of love and hope. All the waiting and build up and it’s done within a week of his return.

I learned a lot from Z. I think I learned to be open to loving someone again. I learned that I can have a physical connection with someone again. I learned that it’s ok to be happy and celebrate life (A Pink Purse). I learned that I need someone who is upbeat and happy and knows when I have something to say and draws it out of me. I also learned to find my voice when I’m upset. To define my limits and be ok with ending something when it’s not working.

But, I also feel pretty silly right now. All the wisdom and grounding and logic in the world can’t overcome the inevitable dip in self-esteem that comes when you find out that someone just doesn’t feel the way about you that you hoped they did. I feel pretty foolish for buying into the words he fed me. I don’t think he lied to me. I think he meant what he said when he said it. He’s just figuring it out. I feel pretty silly for thinking I could date someone so much younger than me, with all the cultural differences and completely different goals for the future that we have. Damn this foreign fetish of mine. It’s going to be the ruin of me.

Sad, disappointed and a little scared…….I’m reverting back to thoughts of “why am I single…..what am I putting out there…..why doesn’t anyone ask me out…..will I always be alone……” You know, the single woman’s mantra, I guess.

In the meantime, I’m trying to be enough for myself. I started painting again. Work is busy. I want to learn new things. I want to go places and see things. I’m trying to hold it together.

Liz said she thinks I ‘m done with boys. She thinks I’m ready for a man now. Maybe she’s right. I hope she’s right.

Let’s review the first year’s conquests, or lack thereof:

Syrian Doctor:  Arrogant ass just after sex.

Sam:  Arrogant ass who doesn’t know himself.

Mr. Mexico:  Lovely one night stand.

Tennis Bashir:  (The most beautiful one of all. I want someone who looks just like Tennis Bashir): Jerk who drank too much and didn’t know how to have sex with a woman.

No. 5:  The only honest one in the bunch: In South Korea teaching English.

Z:  Lovely, happy man and the only one I fell in love with. Damn.



From → Rantings

  1. Rose permalink

    I do so enjoy your stories about romance in Lafayette. I think it says a lot about you that, even though you were having a stressful time with Z, that you took yourself out dancing. That is something I could never do. You have a very positive outlook on all of this. My best wishes to you in your next romantic endeavor…keep on writing!

  2. Kitten permalink

    Thanks Rose. Trying not to think about the interesting guy from Bangladesh I saw again last night. LOL God help me!

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