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I’ve Been Talking to this Girl…

September 24, 2013

Tuesday:
Z and I broke up last night. This time, for real.

I don’t know what I think about this. I mean, I thought I had already broke up with him. I thought I had put that Dick in a Box. I thought I had him in the right category. I knew he wasn’t right for me. I needed it to end. So why do I feel slightly used and rejected right now?

I stayed in all weekend and cleaned my apartment, caught up on laundry and worked on projects. It rained most of the weekend and Saturday afternoon I found myself one of a few people walking in a heavy mist through the park. Z texted me, saying that he and some friends were going to be playing football in the rain at the park. He wanted me to watch. I stopped and watched them play for a minute as I walked by. “You should come sit and watch,” he texted again. Ok. I sat next to one of his friends on a bench for about 10 minutes and laughed as they slipped in the mud. Then I got up and  finished my walk.

That night after a couple glasses of wine, I wanted him to come over but he was out with the guys. I was struck again with that feeling……this isn’t working for me. I want a relationship. This isn’t one and it can’t be one. I need to shut this down. The truth is, I wasn’t strong enough to end it because I love being with him, in his presence, in his arms. I couldn’t let him go.

I tried to be strong. The next day when he texted me, I answered with short replies or not at all. I worked on my projects for work. I took pictures of a Ken doll with wires stuck in his head (don’t ask). I tried not to think about him.

Meanwhile I had been watching a movie that #7 recommended to me. I e-mailed him some observances and we talked back and forth. The rain stopped and the weather was beautiful. I told #7 I was going out for a walk. He offered to join me. He walked with me at Girard Park talking constantly and displaying a higher level of nerdiness than before. We came around the tennis courts and there was Z, playing with a friend. I waved to him as we passed by. No. 7 asked me how I knew them. “Oh, I’ve been sleeping with Z for a few months now,” I thought to myself. Instead I told him the story of the HOLI pictures and how it led to some Indian acquaintances. I mentioned that they had been playing football yesterday. This prompted #7 to observe that Southeast Asian guys are not as athletic as others and can’t compete in sports. And then he described himself as delicate. Delicate of mind and body. That’s what he said to me. That he’s delicate. Um. OK. Either he really doesn’t see me as a potential romantic interest or he is oblivious to the notion that this might be a huge turn off. I’m sorry but if you can’t pick me up and carry me to the bedroom and show me how it’s done………then it’s probably not going to work out. Which is why Z is so irresistible to me. He can and has done just that.

After a couple of laps around the park, #7 said he was getting winded and needed to go to the library. I told Pickle what he said. “Oh, so you’ve made a new friend,” she joked. Yeah. He needs to stay in the friend zone. I finished my walk, passing by Z a couple more times. No eye contact. No wave. Perfect, I thought. Maybe this is the way we’ll fizzle out.

Yesterday (Monday) was gorgeous. It was one of those rare days we get in Louisiana when the weather is perfection. It was a rare break from the extreme heat, if not quite Fall weather. We don’t like cold weather here. We don’t know how to handle it. A forty-degree-day to a Louisianian is torture. We don’t really like the extreme heat of our summers either. So yesterday was a gift from the heavens. It was so hard to stay in and work and I went outside as often as I could, counting the minutes until I could be at the park.

I was walking happily when Z texted. “Wassup.”

“Walking,” I replied.

“With your boyfriend?” he teased. So he had noticed #7 and I walking.

He wanted to come over and “watch a movie.” I caved and said, “sure.”

I was eating a salad and he was looking at movies on his computer when he said, “I’ve been talking to this girl. I really like her.”

I looked up at him.

“Say something.” he said.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked.

He told me a bit more. She’s an Indian/Muslim girl he knew in India. She lives in Canada now and they just reconnected a week ago. He really likes her. They’re just friends, he said. He doesn’t know where it’s going.

There it is.

“You know we have to stop doing this,” I told him.

“Yeah, I know.” he said.

We made love and watched a terrible, stupid movie.

He started talking about the girl again. He was talking like a kid with a crush. Because that’s what he is. I told him I didn’t want to talk about her.

“I have feelings for you, Z. I don’t want to be just the girl you have sex with,” I said.

“You know I can’t be with you.” he said.

“Yeah. I do and I want you to move on and I’m glad you’re talking to this girl you like,” I said. “But we have to stop doing this.”

“When do you think we should stop?” he asked. “When I know that I’m serious about this girl?”

“No.” I said. “This needs to be the last time.”

“Ok.” he said.

“We can still be friends,” he said. “We can still talk and see other. ”

“Yeah. I know.” I told him.

We made love one more time and talked for a while and he went home.

That was last night. I cried a little bit after he left.  I feel sad. I feel stupid. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I think I need to stop trying to date boys. I’m confused about what we were to each other. It’s tempting to feel like he was dishonest with me. It would be easy to blame him, to say that he lied when he said he wanted to be with me for a year. It would be easy to bitter and angry when I think about how different he was before he went to India and how he was when he came back. But that would be foolish and a waste of time. He’s over 20 years younger than me. I knew what I was getting into. I can’t expect someone at his age and situation to know what he wants. I knew it would end. I knew I would get hurt. I needed it to end. It’s right that it ended.

Still, I feel foolish. I bought into it, a little. I never quite let go of the hope the he would really love me, even when it didn’t make any sense. Our rational brains have so little control over our emotions. And I feel a little used. In the end, it was just about sex, but it didn’t start out that way. He painted a different picture at first. I waited three months for him. Three months of daily building up of anticipation. I’m a grown woman and I bought into a fantasy presented by a boy. Who can I blame but myself when reality didn’t match it?

So, here I am, 15 months divorced and my head is still spinning. I don’t know what I’m doing. Another experiment over. I feel like I need to slow down for a while. I’m tired of playing with boys but I’m not sure I’m ready for a man either. It’s time for this grown woman to grow up. It’s time to change again. It’s time to be better.

I have so many great memories from Z. He was so wonderful in so many ways. I guess I’ll hang on the gratitude for those things and wait for the lessons to sink in.

Next……

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From → Rantings

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