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I Don’t Have To Tell You Everything, Blog

October 31, 2013

Yeah, I know it’s been a while since I’ve written. But I don’t have to tell you everything! Maybe I want to keep my secrets. Maybe nothing’s been happening. Maybe I’ve been busy at work. Maybe I’m stabilizing and being a real grown up and I don’t need to pour out my soul on your pages so one or two other wordpress bloggers can read this shit.

That last post I wrote was about breaking up with Z. It was poorly written, don’t you think? Kind of all over the place and a little sappy. You know, there’s something I haven’t told you about Z. Something he was keeping from me and told me a few weeks before we broke up. I think I’m embarrassed about it. It makes “us” just that much more implausible. That much more wrong-ish. I’m not ready to write about that. I’ll save that for the book. I have to remember to write about how Pickle responded when I told her on the bench outside of  Pamplona’s.

I haven’t told you about the guy who tried to pick me up at the park. Matt. No nickname for him. That would have made a funny blog. I don’t know why I didn’t write it. I guess maybe he wasn’t worth the time. Poor guy. I shut him down rather bruttally. But he was kind of asking for it. He was pushy. He deserved the icy reception he received when he finally showed up at Pamplona’s, and was greeted by me, Pickle, two other girl friends and my son! All working in harmony to shut-it-down!

I didn’t write about the guy who ran away or the twins. Did I write about the twins and that wonderful moment I had when I walked into Pamplona’s to meet Anne, saying “Hey Anne, Look, I brought the twins.”? Twin J loaned me a book. The Sparrow. Great read. Never heard from him again.

And how about the guy who ran away. Blue Moon. Interesting guy. We talked. We danced. We connected. Blaa Blaa Blaa. End of the night, a mutual friend was giving us both rides home. He diappeared. Wanted to go for a walk. Uh-huh.

So, the dating nonsense is not getting easier or better. I’ve had a blog in my head for months called, “It’s Not Enough To Be Pretty.” It just hasn’t come to fruition yet. I’ll write that one, one day.

I haven’t written about work. Work is why I haven’t been writing. But that’s good because it’s going really well. I love the work and I think I’m more than fitting in. I think I’m displaying, dare I say it? Leadership qualities. The horror. It’s intense but never boring. Everything that was bad at the museum before is good there. I think I’ve found the place I belong.

I didn’t write an emotional blog the day my ex e-mailed me, congratulating me on my job. I read it and cried. The pain still comes in spurts.

How about a #7 update. He got a new nickname. He’s officially Jonathan, according to Pickle. Jonathan is most definitely not dating material. At first he was cute and funny and interesting and intellectual. Then he turned into needy and whiney and annoying. I’ve been tapering off my time with him. I think he’s disappointed in that but I don’t have time to be someone else’s strength. In fact, Jonathan has made me feel like I’m tired of being good for other people. I want someone to be good for me. I want to be held up a little.

And then there’s what happened last night. Well, blog you probably saw this coming. Yes, Z came over. I know. I know. You don’t have to tell me. We’re fools, Z and I. We absolutely do not belong together. We have a 0 chance of either a future or an actual relationship of any kind. Yet there we were, inevitably it seems, back in each others arms.

Things went south with the girl he had been talking to in a matter of days. Her parents found out they were talking and shut it down. Before long Z was trying to get us back to the way we were before. I wasn’t having any of it.

He wanted to start all over. He wanted to just be friends. He wanted to come over and “watch a movie.” He asked me to dinner, to a movie. We continued to talk. I stayed strong for a while. I turned down all his offers. But I thought about him all the time. I missed him like crazy. Still, no matter how I played the movie to the end, being with him just didn’t add up. It was bad for me. And he had blew it. I knew I needed to let him go. But I wasn’t.

Pickle found herself in a similar situation. Well, without the 20-year difference part. She was seeing someone, Steve….a one night stand turned five night stand turned two month thing. He told her that he’s not ready to be a boyfriend and pulled away but he still wants to see. Still wants to sleep with her essentially. So, she has a choice to make. Hold out for the real deal, as I was trying to do by not seeing Z, or just have sex and enjoy it and let it be what it is.

We made a bet. The first one to cave would have a punishment. She decided mine would be singing “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” at Monday night karaoke at Artmosphere. Hers would be she going on a date with a foreigner. So last night all I could think about was that song. I was watching youtube clips of various singers’ renditions of it last night. Sinead O’Connor’s is the best, hands down.

After listening to the song over and over, I posted my favorite lyric, the saddest part of the song, “I kept my promise. Don’t keep your distance” on facebook.  Eric, Z’s roommate and best friend, saw this post and told Z that he thought I had just posted something about him. Z messaged me, “Was that status for me?” I told him it was a song lyric.

The day before he had showed up at the park. Another attempt to get in my head. It worked. I hadn’t stopped thinking about since. “Yesterday was awful.” he wrote. “You wouldn’t look at me.”

“I can’t look at you.” I told him.

“I want to come over and talk to you.” he said. It was midnight. He lives about four blocks away.

I don’t know what it was about that particular moment that I led me to let my guard down and let him in. Maybe it was because Pickle had just broken up with her boyfriend, evidence that a healthy relationship was still eluding us both. Maybe it was because I was on my period and thought that would keep me safe from the temptation of sex. (HA) Maybe it was the wine I had been drinking. I don’t know but I told him to come on over and he was there, back in my bed in a matter of minutes and it was like no time had passed at all. It was easy and comfortable. Damn.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him.

“I want to spend time with you.” he answered.

“What do you want me to be to you?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” he said. “I can’t be with you and I can’t be without you.”

“What about you?” he asked. “What do you think about us?”

“I want to be with you badly.” I said. “But it’s just not right.”

“Yeah. I know.” he said.

So, we slept together like foolish lovers.

No good will come of this at all. And I am guaranteed to be writing another sad blog about how Z and I ended……again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey blog, did I tell you about the time I went to see a Life Coach? The life coach was reading my blogs so I guess I didn’t want to write about her while I was seeing her. I’m thinking about going back to her and redirecting the focus to relationships instead of job/career path. I see some parallels there. I got the dream job. Maybe she can help me get the dream guy?

I’ll let you know how it goes blog. Thanks for listening.

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From → Rantings

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