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Mercury In Retrograde

July 22, 2014

written on June 26,2014

“Why is everybody being such a dick right now,” I asked my co-workers.

Everyone just seems to be on edge. My boss, the new artist coming in, the printer. It just seems like the world has decided to be douchebags.

“Mercury is in retrograde,” my co-worker answered. “and we’re cancers, water signs, so it affects us specifically.”

I don’t believe in all that shit but like the rosary-saying atheist I am, I googled it anyway.

What happened last Thursday seems to support the astrological nonsense. Our financial advisor and sort-of second-in-command called me into her office right at 5pm. “You remember in the staff meeting how you guys said that if your jobs were in jeopardy you wanted a heads up?”


I didn’t get what she was saying at first. “I know I might lose my assistant,” I said. “I know you probably can’t offer her a full time job.”

That wasn’t it. A few more hint-ful sentences and I finally got on.

“So, our boss might decide to hire an actual marketing professional and that means you won’t be able to keep me as well,” I finally came around to saying.

“That’s a possibility,” she finally admitted.

Shit. I didn’t see that coming.

Thirty minutes later I was with Liz walking in the park and discussing this new development. By the third lap around, I was relieved.

I don’t like marketing. I want to make things pretty. The idea of losing my job slowly started to appeal to me. I could take all the money I have and travel around the world and write a travel blog and hope it gets traction. I could take the GRE and get into a doctorate program and happily study history. I could write a book about rockets and space travel. I’ve been in that spot before and it was terrifying. For some reason, I feel more liberated than scared. I probably should feel scared.

The coming performing arts season is like a hurricane brewing in the gulf, gathering heat and water. I don’t want to do it. I don’t know how to fill seats. I know how to design fliers and ads. But not get people to buy tickets. I don’t like the pressure of it. Picking up the phone every day. “How many tickets have we sold? That’s it? Shit.” I can handle the pressure of deadlines. I can work my way out of that stress. But I can’t work my way out of a show that’s not selling or losing money for reasons that I have no control over.

Getting this job was a miracle to me. I’ve been so grateful to have a way to survive and sustain myself that I’ve been pushing down that voice that says, “This isn’t where you belong.” It looks like that decision is going to be made for me. I’m about to get pushed out of the nest.

So, I decided to be pre-emptive and tell my boss that I know this isn’t going to work out long term and it’s time for us to work together on a end-game that best for everyone. I don’t know how he will react. I might be packing boxes sooner than I thought.

Change is the only constant, I guess.




From → Rantings

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