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This is what depression looks like.

August 6, 2014

Depression is heavy.

It’s a weight keeping me from walking.

It’s a voice. It’s a very convincing voice. It’s rejection.

It’s failure. It’s immobility.

It’s a dam, a roadblock, a tall, concrete wall.

It’s here again. Maybe it’s just my period. My chemicals are imbalanced. I know this isn’t real. I know writing this will help. I know walking later will help.

It’s lying to me. It’s telling me that everyone has rejected me. I’m divorced. I’m single. I’m unemployed. I’m alone.

It’s telling me that I’ve done nothing with my life. Raised two kids? So what? So have millions of other people. It’s not rocket science. Everything small thing I’ve done has been just that. Small. An editor at a weekly paper for three months. An AP photographer for about a year or so. A few paintings. One photography exhibit at a book store. I can count on one hand the number of weddings I’ve shot.  Failed marriage. A list of dreams and no plan.

It’s only mild depression, I think.

I got out of bed. I rented a steam cleaner. I cleaned my carpet. I’m functioning. And crying because I’m afraid it will always feel like this. Heavy. Tired. Stupid.

This is why I need to work around people. I need an obligation. I need peer pressure. I need a reason to pretend everything’s ok until it goes away.

I went to the park and lethargically walked the path. It was painful. Physically painful just to be alive. Just to be trying. But I was there. I walked in the sunshine and made eye contact and smiled.

I saw a cute guy. The thought of crossing his path again made me straighten up a bit and relax my face. Maybe my libido will help balance out the fucked up chemistry in my head. Then he was gone. I skipped the last lap and went home.


 

I woke up this morning hoping it would have disappeared in the night but it’s still here, draining me of any optimism or drive. Everything I need to be right now is out of my reach. I need to be focused, confident, driven, idealistic, energetic. I am none of those things. I am stuck. The air around me is like mud.

My brain is against me. I don’t how to fight it.

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From → Rantings

2 Comments
  1. The most honest explanation of depression is humanity still has no clue what it IS deep down. Chemical imbalance? Meds along that line often help – keep me alive and well in fact – but to say that explains depression is like saying Tylenol proves that many headaches result from Tylenol deficiency. Nonsense, obviously. As with most of Medicine, we both have a poor understanding AND know just enough to often be helpful. Hopefully, and it seems inevitably, we’ll do better in time.

    • Kitten permalink

      Yes. I think when I say it’s a chemical imbalance, I hope not to imply that it’s a simple as a medication-induced correction. The fact that tylenol helps a headache, doesn’t explain the headache. The reason I often try to emphasis the chemical imbalance, as in the chemicals communicating through neural networks…..is it is in contrast to the idea that depression is a reflection of character, of strength, of spirit….of a person’s value. I agree it is still a mystery but I trust enough in the scientific process to buy into what we know today…..and accept that what we know is not absolute truth. Not only do we need to do better from a scientific stand point, but we need to understand that when someone says, “I’m depressed,” it is like saying, “I broke my leg. My allergies are acting up. I have a migraine.” In other words, “I’m not less of a human. I’m not weak. I’m experiencing a symptom to a physical, biological problem.” Thanks for the comment and encouraging this reply.

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