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I’s Me, I’m Back

September 12, 2014

I was sitting at a coffee shop. A small map of Jerusalem was spread before me as I mapped out places to see with my Lonely Planet guide book.

My phone chirped. An e-mail from a magazine editor. She needed a rush job. Was I available? I replied immediately. Yes, I’d be happy to if it could be turned in quickly. I was going overseas in just over a week. I collected my things and put my headphones in. I called her from the car to get the scoop. I started doing research and making calls as soon as I got home.

That’s when I knew my depression was gone. If I had gotten that same e-mail just a few days ago I would have looked at it with trepitation and anquish. I would have taken at least a day to respond, making excuses for the delay. I would not have wanted to write the story. I would have wanted to say no, and may have said no, then felt the crushing guilt of not having the energy to accept the challenge.

The past few days I’ve felt myself. I’ve been energetic, or as energetic as I get. I wake up ready to do things, to accomplish my to-do list. I’m aggressive. I want to move and do. I’m impatient, with no time for bullshit. My daily walks are easy and energetic. I happily breeze through the 5 miles, smiling at the beautiful light shining throught the oak trees and moss.

A few days ago a trip to the grocery store was demoralizing and physically painful.

Today, I looked up at the sun bouncing off the tops of the trees. The sky was bright orange as the sun filtered through the damp air, just after a rain storm. I smiled in general appreciation of nature’s wonder.

My life circumstances have not changed. I’m still unemployed and single. Yet, a few days ago I wanted to press a button that would make me disappear. I questioned my worth as matter occupying space. Today I am happy, energetic and motivated. I’m excited about getting on a plane and traveling by myself.

I want to feel like this all the time. I need to feel like this all the time. This feels “normal.” I feel like myself. If I felt like this all the time, I might be able to achieve the goals I say I want to achieve. I don’t want to feel that bad again.

But I probably will.

It might be hormonal. I’m 45. This might be the inevitable symptom of an aging reproductive system. If so, the monster will come back. If it comes back with Aunt Irma, or just before, I will be the Jerusalem when it attacks.

I tried to schedule my trip around my menstral cycle, using the oberservations of the man I used to sleep with as a guide. Not shockingly, his predictions were a bit off or my cycle is just not that predictable. So, I will be bleeding during my trip.

Viewing this through my “normal,” bright colored lens, I’ve decided to see this as a good thing. If I’m going to feel like shit, like a worthless jumble of carbon, I might as well be distracted by the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, new and mysterious places, ancient sites, good hummus and strange people speaking languages I don’t understand. By the time I get home, I’ll be back to “myself” again, ready to get my life in order and find a fucking job!

Here I go.

 

 

 

 

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From → Rantings

One Comment
  1. GaneshaGirl permalink

    Enjoy your trip. Can’t wait to hear all about it when you get back.

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