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Hurricane Depression

October 19, 2014

I lived on the Mississippi Gulf when Hurricane Katrina hit. The destruction was unbelievable. Huge, solid wood pillars were cracked in half like twigs. Houses built on solid cement blocks were scattered for blocks like they were made of paper. When you look at the footage from the storm itself, it doesn’t look like a tsunami. A tsunami is a big, growing wave that crashes hard onto the land rushing by as it destroys and carries everything in its path. A hurricane is slow, rising water. The water just creeps up onto the beach, then the roads, yards, porches, rooms and over roofs. The small lapping waves don’t seem like they could break things. But under the surface, the undertow, so to speak, the steady force of the water carries tremendous force and obliterates everything by slowly pounding hour after hour until houses are crumbled and cars are piled up like toys.

My mom’s death was a tsunami. I was supposed to fall apart. My grief was understandable, proper. My divorce was a tsunami. I lost my life, my family. Three years out and I don’t seem to be doing so well. I don’t have any tsunamis to blame. But I can’t seem to find my footing. When I’m not feeling intense sadness, I feel very little. I’m operating with a sort of chronic, low-grade fever of funkiness.

My therapist says I need to try anti-depressants. She said my brain doesn’t know how to make the right chemicals anymore. That I’ve been under a sustained level of stress for too long and I need a jump start.

I thought about what she said. I started cataloging the events going back two, three or more years. Maybe she’s right.

Working backwards…….I got a new job, a good thing but with it’s own unknowns and fears. My sister was in a car accident and I haven’t seen her because I can’t talk to her anymore. My son is in a constant state of uncertainty. He’s making foolish choices and having panic attacks. My daughter is in therapy and she likes to call me after sessions and rehash her childhood. My brother confessed to having mental health issues of his own. I have surface level interactions with men who seem interested in me but I haven’t connected with anyone or dated. I tried to make a dream come true and visit Jerusalem but ended up in an Israeli detention center for 30 hours before being deported back. The man I had a 2 year fling with, that I’m still in love with, moved away and moved on. He’s dating a girl. I lost my job in a really shitty way that had little to do with me or my abilities. An ex-co worker found my blog and began attacking me through e-mails and texts. My best friend is trying to have a baby. My uncle died. I wrote his obiturary. I tried to date a beautiful man and he turned out to be a jerk, twice………..I saw my ex-husband with another woman. I nursed a crush on my ex-husband. I got divorced. I left my husband. I moved back to Lafayette, leaving the life I had built behind. My daughter said goodbye to me just before she moved away on the day of my mother’s funeral. I helped my sister care for my mom as she tried to battle cancer. My mom was diagnosed with cancer.

That gets me back to around 2005.

Ok so maybe I have been under a sustained level of stress.

I don’t want to need to be on medication. It seems so self-indulgent and weak but that’s probably the depression talking. How are other people able to deal with little waves crashing against them and stand strong while my frame buckles?

I guess I need to listen to my own advice and just try the fucking medicaiton.


From → Rantings

One Comment
  1. Sheri permalink

    Take the pill. If it only takes a pill a day to bring you to the other side, take the pill. It could be worse. The therapist could have no options for you.

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