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Oh Depression…Where Are You?

January 27, 2015

(prelude: I’m pissed that nobody liked the previous post. It was downright cute. You bastards! You’re not even really “following” me, are you?)

I was driving in heavy traffic a few days ago feeling pissed. I had fucked up at work. I put off doing something I should have and it caused a problem. I was angry with myself. I was annoyed with my life. I wasn’t satisfied with the way things were going. Work. Dating. Money. It was all unsatisfying.

But something was different. I was annoyed. Disgruntled. Ornery. But I wasn’t depressed. I felt agressive, like I needed to take action, to make changes. I didn’t feel like I was a piece of shit who had failed  my whole life and would never, ever be anything more. I didn’t feel hopeless. I wasn’t falling down the rabbit hole.

Huh….Why am I not depressed? I should be depressed right now? Where is the monster? Why hasn’t it taken over?

It’s weird not to have it there, creeping in, grabbing hold the tinest insecurities, fears and self-doubt and bringing them forth like a tsunami, overwhelming anything good and beautiful in my thoughts. It’s absence was palpable.

It’s not that I want it to be here. I don’t. But I want to figure out, what’s different now? Why do I feel “normal” now? Why aren’t the challenges and set-backs I’m facing taking me down that familiar hole?

I don’t know why. Could it be that the Wellbutrin is kicking in after three months? Could it be that the techniques my therapist taught me are actually working? Is it really that easy? To just talk my way out of the negativity? Can I argue the depression away?

The past few weeks have not been without stress. The workload at my job makes my last job seem like tip-toeing through the tulips. And it’s not design work, it’s administrative. Not really my forté. I had a one week relaionship with a guy I’m still crushing on. Z came back and then pissed me off.

But I feel ok. I feel like I can handle anything. I’ve felt sad. Sad about Lennon not digging me like I dig him. Sad about Z being kind of an ass. But just sad.

There’s a beauty to feeling just sad. I wonder if only people who have truly felt the deep despair of a full-blown, chemical-imbalance-induced depression can truly appreciate the special joy there is in feeling just sad about something. It’s nice to just mope about the guy who doesn’t like you like you like him. Or to be pissed and hurt and cry about it and then be fine. It’s a miraculous state of being.

But it’s also frightenting because I don’t have an answer. I don’t know why my depression is hiding. I don’t know what is keeping it away. I know it’s not gone forever. It’s never gone forever. It will come back one day and remind me that I’m never free of it.

For now, I’m on a normal streak.


copyright: Hyperbole and a Half (stolen shamelessly) Please don’t hurt me.

If I can feel like this all the time, maybe I can take over the world.

Or just write more and finish a painting and find someone to date and be good at my job.


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One Comment
  1. it’s the meds finally kicking in. Chemicals now balanced and normal. Welcome to the world!

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