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June 27, 2015

Yesterday, my old love, Z texted me. He missed me, he said. He loved me, he said. We reminisced about our days together. And how it’s never been quite the same with anyone else. “Is this what it means to grow out of a relationship?” he asked. I wasn’t sure what he meant. “When you learn things from the other person and grow and become a better, wiser person,” he texted. I forgot how surprisingly eloquent he can be. He said he bought me a birthday gift…..again. He said he was sending me flowers. I don’t know why he is being so thoughtful and sentimental towards me right now. I don’t care. I’ll take his lovely attention. He’ll always be my special love.

Yesterday, I got an e-mail from Mr. Moon. He got a job offer but he said he might not take it. He said he might come back to the U.S. Which surprised me. I tried to ask him about his situation. “It depends on many things,” he said. I don’t know what that means. “Talk to me, Peach,” he wrote. So, I sent him a long reply. I tentatively asked him his thoughts on the story I gave him when he left, but I admitted I was afraid to know. I told him I thought of him. I wished him happiness. I imagined his return with trepidation. I’m not sure I can allow myself to wish for that. I’m not sure I’m ready for what that might bring.

Yesterday, I talked to Pumpkin Patch. He talks to me every day. He came over and we made cookies a few days ago. And he kissed me before he left. And we kissed in that way……that reserved, we-said-we-weren’t-going-to-do-this way…..that is so sexy and enticing. He’s a good kisser. He made me a little weak in the knees. And I wondered if I had set it up on purpose. By telling him I didn’t want to date him while he was seeing others, have I just set up some kind of… you-can’t-have-me-and-I-shouldn’t-be-with-you tension that is just a repeat of what I felt with Z and Mr. Moon? Maybe this is what I like. Maybe I’m afraid of a relationship working out, or not working out. It’s more fun to just flirt and kiss sometimes and tease and be enticing. Or maybe I just know that I deserve to be more than one of the balls in the air but I’m still attracted to him so, why not?

“I can’t wait to see you again,” he said, yesterday.

Yesterday, I exchanged e-mails with the Parisian and we continued our weird game of across-the-Atlantic flirting. The distance and the mystery somehow allows me to be uninhibited. It’s very strange. And he knows everything. Yesterday, I confessed to him that I had looked him up and I thought I knew what he looked like from a facebook picture. And he said it wasn’t him. He doesn’t have any photos on his profile. I had this vague image of what he might look like. I held that image in my head as I listened to his voice and read his words. When he told me it wasn’t him, the image shattered in my imagination and I was left with nothing. And it’s driving me mad. And he knows it is and he likes that. I suppose it doesn’t matter. We should never actually meet. Reality could never live up to the fantasy we’ve created for and with each other. It would destroy the game, the dream. And it is a very fun game.

None of these men are committed to me, at my side, with me for better or worse and dedicated to sharing my life. I have no chance of that with these boys who are giving me delicious morsels of attention, affection and care. But they bring their blessings, superficial as they may be. And I feel beautiful and sexy and witty and funny. I feel alive and free and grateful. I feel confident and whole. I recognize and love the person I am. Not because of them…..and their silly flirtations. They are my icing on the cake. My treat for the courage it took to break free.

Tomorrow I celebrate my birthday. I created an event page and I’ve been silly and bold and self-deprecating and obnoxious. I’ve been selfish and brash, demanding attention. And it feels fantastic. And I know there will be no bursting of the bubble. There will be no disappointing reaction. There will be no one to question how or why or to what expense I decide to celebrate the day my glorious mother brought ME to this earth. I will celebrate it the way SHE taught me to. I have reclaimed that which is my birthright.

The illusions and games and distanced loves are more real to me than the heart breaking hope I brought to the love I thought was solid. And the freedom to allow them in my life…….and the freedom to be myself and show gratitude for my existence is a far greater gift then any commitment has ever been or can ever be.


From → Rantings

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