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Knock, knock. Who’s there? Depression. I want to come in.

February 19, 2016

It was a series of small events that pushed me down a little.

I screwed something up at work. Bookkeeping bullshit. Which I hate and suck at. I wish it was not part of my job. No one else seems to have as much trouble handling it as I do. My boss handed me my ass. That is to say she had a stern talking to me in her little girl voice. But I knew she was pissed. I hate disappointing people.

I decided to publish one of my blogs on facebook, like out in the open and everything. The story happened at the Blue Moon, of course. I was terrified of feeling exposed. Maybe people would recognize themselves. Or think I was stupid and say so. Instead, I got no feedback at all. My uncle liked it. That’s it. Maybe it sucked. I felt foolish for trying to share my work.

Liz told me she was going horse back riding on Sunday with a group of friends. I love horses. Some of those friends are mutual friends, though she’s known them longer. She didn’t invite me. I guess it didn’t even occur to her to invite me. It’s not the first time she’s hung out with this group without including me. I was hurt. And I felt stupid for being hurt.

These little blips were enough to shift something in my brain. A door was opened. Chemicals began to ebb and flow and I could hear the monster whispering to me.

You can’t even keep up with simple book keeping. Nobody wants to read your stupid shit. You’ll never do anything with it. Liz doesn’t want you to be around her new friends because you’re weird and obnoxious. She’s tired of being tied to you. You’re never going to find a better job. You have nothing to contribute. Why are you even here?

I’m supposed to fight it with counter arguments. I’m supposed to tell the monster to shut up and go away.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s right.

Maybe I need to slink down for a little while and wallow in my negativity. Incubate in mediocrity. Withdraw from happiness. Let the little blue monster drive for a while. Maybe it’ll be restorative. Maybe the darkness will help me appreciate the light.

I read recently that the key to happiness is gratitude.

I have a job. I have a place I’m in love with. I have a lot of books. Why do I have so many books? I started walking again. There’s a guy who likes to spend time with me. I might get to eat some crawfish soon. My head’s above the water. I’m still in the game.

I’m still writing.

But I’m still a person who has to live with depression.

And that sucks.

 

 

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From → Rantings

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