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An Exit Plan (Mr. Houston cont.)

May 1, 2016

By Monday night he was back into doubt mode. I told him again that he was giving me mixed signals. He brought up his two trips to Lafayette and the Indian meal he cooked for me. “Is that why you feel like I’m giving you mixed messages?”

“No,” I said, a little surprised. “Those are things friends do for each other.” He’s brought up things like that before. He had this sort of …..I-can’t-believe-I-drove-all-the-way-to-Lafayette….. attitude. Like I’m supposed to impressed by these extraordinary gestures. Z once drove from Dallas overnight to surprise me on my birthday. You just drove from Houston, dude. Settle down. It was a little annoying.

“It’s what you say to me,” I told him. “You say you’re open to a relationship, you want me to be open and vulnerable but you push me away and comment when I show affection. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t come. You’re getting too attached,’ you say to me.”

“You’re right. I did do that.” he said.

Thinking out loud, he laid out all the reasons why it wouldn’t work, again. When he got to this point in other relationships, he convinced himself he was in love and became someone’s boyfriend and those relationships went badly. He didn’t want to do it again. Even if he did, he still wanted to have a family. It would last a year or two at the most. And he would find himself dreading driving to Lafayette and wondering what he was doing.

“Well, I don’t want that!” I said.

I processed all this information as I fell asleep. When I woke up, I had a plan. We should end it. I mean, it’s obviously going to end. Why not control it. Why not just plan an ending. We see each other x more times or x number of months and then walk away and go our separate ways. I wasn’t going to bring it up with him until I saw him but later that day he brought up the subject while we were chatting online.

I pitched my plan.

He freaked out.

“This is an 180 degree turn from a few days ago. You’re overwhelmed with emotions,” he wrote. Patronizing bullshit. 

“I’m not overwhelmed. I’m being clear and reasonable.”

I was surprised by his reaction. Didn’t he want to date others? Wasn’t he constantly using his plethora of dating platforms to seek out other options? 

He wanted to talk, so I finished something for my boss and took a break to talk to him outside. At first he was laughing. He was amused, he said, which pissed me off. He questioned me again. Why did we have to plan and ending. Why didn’t we just “go with the flow?” He talked for a long time, explaining himself again, telling me his point of view. Finally I stopped him.

“Look, Mr. Houston,” I said. “I understand where you’re coming from. But I’m not there. I’m tired of playing. I don’t want to play anymore. I don’t want to hear about your dates or what you said to some girl on Tinder. I don’t want to break up with you after hearing about some sexual escapade. I want to be with someone who thinks I’m the best thing that ever happen to them and wants to spend their time with just me and doesn’t need to play around.”

His protests continued. He wasn’t getting it.

“Let’s think about this for a while,” he offered.

“Ok,” I said knowing that it would just be a matter of me deciding to end it when I had enough. Which may be soon.

“You still coming to Houston?” he asked.

“Sure, panda boo.” I said. “I’m coming.”

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From → Rantings

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