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Let Go, Mr. Houston

May 13, 2016

True to form, I had tried to break up with Mr. Houston once already but I’m such a gullible wimp. I always let them worm their way back in. I did it with Pumpkin Patch, The Persian, Z, even Lennon Glasses. Mr. Houston was doing the same thing. I didn’t go to Houston but we still texted, talked and face-timed almost every day.

“When are you coming?” he would ask.

“I don’t know,” I answered.

I found a term for what I was doing. Cognitive Dissonance. My gut knows I can’t handle seeing someone who is seeing other people. I hold that as a standard, a moral base….a condition, if you will. That I want to be the only one in someone’s life. But my behavior is completely different. I keep going back because: I like spending time with them. Life is short. Why shouldn’t I enjoy it while it lasts. Its not like I have another option. 

My gut can’t reconcile with my behavior so I try to change my moral compass, my own value system or I try to change the behavior. If I don’t change the behavior, the fact that I have to justify it, gives it a falsely higher value. So, the unavailables become more attractive because I have to fight myself to justify being with them. Or at least that’s my theory.

I was face -timing with Mr. Houston last night. He was picking on me. Asking me when I was coming. Finding the little sensitive points and jabbing little needles in them, watching me squirm for fun.

We fought over what ever it was we were doing. He didn’t understand why I was struggling with it. I didn’t understand why he didn’t just let me go, if he had all these others tinder leads and fuck buddies. What did he need me for?

“If you need to stop seeing me or stop talking to me, I’ll understand. I’ll suffer a little. It’ll take me a couple of days to get over it, but I’ll be ok. I’ll understand.” he claimed.

The next morning I told him we needed to cool off. It wasn’t working for me. I wanted to stop talking to him for a while. There would be no more visits.

Again, he inexplicably freaked out. He was snippy with me, telling me to “have a nice life.” So much for staying friends and understanding. He wanted to talk to me again. I went outside and looked at his face trying to explain.

He was full of contradiction. Of course he could deal with it. Of course he wasn’t getting attached. He didn’t think about me every day, but he thought of me often. Why did I have to end things so abruptly? Why couldn’t I just go date and find someone else and still give him all the attention he needed? Why couldn’t he eat his cake and have it to?

I finally made him understand that I needed some distance.

“Let’s just take the weekend to cool off and we can talk next week. Ok?” I offered.

He agreed.

Two hours later he texted me that his crazy ex-girlfriend was a the same conference he was attending. He was upset. He needed me. “Not talking this weekend might not work,” he said.

“Idk panda boo.” I replied.

“Wow. I thought you would at least be a friend to me when I needed you.”

I looked at my phone, exasperated. He really didn’t even know his own mind. Did he really believe this was about his ex-girlfriend? He refused to admit why he was upset. That he was losing me. No, of course not. He was Mr. Cool. Mr. Buddha. Calm, collected and unattached. It wasn’t his feelings for me. It was his crazy ex-girlfriend.

He wouldn’t let me go.

Finally, we came to some kind of end of a text thread.

It was heartbreaking. I didn’t want to stop seeing him or talking to him. I wanted to fall in love with him. That was the problem.

No more cognitive dissonance. No more justifications. Available men only.

Now, I just have to find a single, over 40, doesn’t want kids, liberal, atheist, preferably foreign born man in south Louisiana.

No problem.

 

Oh, and remind me to tell you about the time I met an Indian guy online and almost booked a flight to go spend memorial weekend with him after knowing him for day.

But I didn’t.

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From → Rantings

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