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Hello Bitterness. Welcome.

May 22, 2016

When someone says they are getting a divorce it’s a pretty safe bet that the past weeks, months and years of their life have been filled with arguments, anger, sadness, maybe some therapy, disappointment, despair and probably long periods of tense isolation. The process of divorce with its court hearings, offers, counter-offers and angry e-mails just piles on the burden.

By the time I was single, I was drained and carrying a heavy bag of bitterness and pain.

“I feel sorry for the first man who tries to date me.” I told a friend. I thought I would be a defensive, bitter, angry and suspicious woman. I couldn’t imagine being able to let someone in again.

When Syrian Doctor asked me to dinner almost five years ago, that baggage was no where to be found. I was giddy. The hopeless romantic that had been beaten down and was hiding in my heart lept forward, finally free. I was so excited at the idea that something new might be beginning. That someone liked me and found me beautiful and interesting. (Of course Syrian Doctor dropped me like a hot potato when I didn’t sleep with him.)

Five years, some 11 men, at least two loves later and I think the bitterness has started to find a warm home in my heart. The content of the baggage has changed. Instead of the crushing disappointment and self-loathing that came from my marriage, it’s the steady stream of confusing and disappointing interactions with men. I haven’t even dated anyone, really. Not one man. It’s the transitory nature of trying to date. The flightiness of men, eager to tell you how great you are and spend time with you but allergic to the idea of being monogamous, even just to see where things might go, to test the waters. I’m not expecting anyone to pledge their life to me after a few dates. Is it really unreasonable to expect someone to put their sleeping around on hold while we actually date? Liz calls them Peter Pans.

Pumpkin Patch and Mr. Houston were the last straws. It’s there now. The baggage is heavy and its filled with rejection and sadness. Now, I’m the bitter divorce. It just took me a little while to get there. Now, I can’t imagine meeting someone who is my age, interesting enough to want to spend time with and who is looking for what I’m looking for: to turn off the apps and shut down the profiles and just share some of my life with someone who wants me to share some of their life with them.

Is that really too much to hope for?



From → Rantings

  1. No, it is not too much to hope for!! I am sorry that your experiences have made you feel bitter – I think anyone who has spent a lot of time dating, including myself, empathizes with where you are. But don’t give up hope – there are good guys out there, you just have to keep looking! And maybe take a look if you have patterns in who you’re picking if you feel like the result tends to be the same. Good luck!!!

  2. spinningincircles permalink

    Like modernruthp said maybe look at the pattern of people you have dated. Maybe you should change it up and not go for the kind of people you have went for in the past. I believe that one day you will get your happy ending but you should find some positivity in your life. Don’t worry too much about your love life. Put your love life on he back burner and enjoy your life as much as possible while focusing on the things that are going good in your life. You never know love sneaks up when we least expect it. Being bitter and holding onto your past won’t help you find happiness. I do know that much. Just try your best to be positive and focus on the good things going on in your ife right now and enjoy every second even if your are single. I believe there is hope in your future even if you don’t. Stay positive and move on from any past relationships and how they affected you and life will startt to look up.

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