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Panic Attack 2 of 3

September 4, 2016

2. Ren Man

The last conversation I had with Ren Man was full of sexual innuendo, in the most beautiful and eloquent of words……as only Ren Man can create. We had a great 2-hour face time a few nights ago. He unexpectedly put on a pair of glasses and I thought my panties were going to melt right off of me. Then he told me what may very well be the hottest thing he’s ever said…..hell, the hottest thing any man has said to me. That he knows of, has watched and things is funny, Brendon Small’s Home Movies. I thought I was going to cry. It was too much. He was too fucking perfect.

He e-mailed me a screen shot from that face time session. It was me looking at him and him looking at me, with a beautiful smile. I am ridiculously putty in his hands.

I haven’t heard from him in 3 days. We’ve spoken every day since we met.


Friday night and I was feeling weird. I felt lonely. I turned on the old Tinder app. I’m not sure why. Did I expect to find an instant friend who would go to Artmosphere with me? Ren Man was still one of my matches. I looked at his photos. There were 2 new ones. He changed his photos. Why did he do that? Obviously he’s still using the app. He’s still looking for someone. Maybe he’s talking to lots of women. Maybe he sends them beautiful, romanic videos too. Maybe I’m not the only one. I mean, I have no right to think he shouldn’t be. We haven’t even kissed for fuck sake. I met the guy for two hours. He lives in Virginia. What do I think this is? A fairy tale? That he’s going to fall in love with me and we’ll move somewhere together and travel and live happily ever after. I haven’t heard from him in three days. Fuck!

I knew from the moment I watched that one video, the one he sent when he was leaving Baton Rouge…..I knew this one was going to hurt bad. If the others had been like bandaids ripped off, this was going to be like duct tape ripped off my heart.

The idea started to sink in. This is stupid. Why am I doing this? He’s not taking this seriously, you fool. You should just stop talking to him. You should cut it off now before he breaks you into a million pieces. Even if you do meet again and have a great time…..that will be worse. What then? It’s not going to last. How many times do you have to do this before you learn?

Any day now, if I ever hear from him again, I’m going to hear those words……not…ready….relationship…..can’t……see other people……blaa blaa blaa……and it’s going to crush me. 

I don’t expect the promise of seriousness. I just want someone who hasn’t pre-determined what a relationship can be. I want someone who enters the world without saying….I AM going to do and be this…..or I’m NOT going to do or be this. How can you know what something will be before you even give it a chance. Pumpkin Patch and Mr. Houston hit me hard. I swore…..NO MORE UNAVAILABLE MEN.

And there I was going bat shit crazy girl over a man who lives over a thousand miles away.

I have the perfect apartment. I’m beautiful. I’m talented. I’m smart. I can write like a motherfucker. But it’s just like that scene in All About Eve. They’re in the car, out of gas and Bette Davis says something about……what does it all mean if you don’t have someone to share it with? That’s a great movie.

There is no amount of success, no amount of money, nothing that will take away the foolishness of my heart and the ability of one man……….a man that I fall for, let my guard down for, the one that shows me something special, shows me that he gets it….that he gets me… crush me like a giant boot stepping on a flea.


  1. You is kind. You is smart. You is important.

  2. Marie permalink

    LOL….That made me laugh. Thanks.

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