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Ren Man & the End of the World

September 13, 2016

So, Ren Man finally popped back up with claims of “going dark,” for intense research and development. “My family doesn’t understand…..but maybe you will, even if you don’t like it,” he wrote in one of his text essays. I suggested perhaps he could have a code word for “I’m going to disappear for an indiscriminate amount of time.” Like, “Going dark now,” or “I’ll be in the rabbit hole.”

The whole thing left me feeling blaa about him. I spent 20 years being second fiddle to everything else. I’m not doing that again.

Though, he’s returned to long phone calls and daily check in’s, it’s not the same. There’s no playfulness in his banter. He only talks about himself and his theories. He doesn’t ask about me, no request for facetiming, no innuendo and definitely no hint of any plan to meet again.

Last night I told him I had 3 days of vacation time that I had to take before October. He didn’t get the hint.

He says over and over that he doesn’t watch t.v. but he talks about movies and shows he’s watched. Last night, as we were closing out a long, weird conversation he said he was getting into bed to watch a documentary. Trying to tease him I called him out on the no-t.v. mantra. “You still watch things that were created to be watched on a t.v.” I countered. “Is it just the medium….the big t.v. up on a wall?”

“No,” he said. “I don’t watch anything programmed to convince a consumer with subliminal messages and…….”

You get the idea. It’s not that I don’t agree with him. It just gets to be a bit much sometimes.

“I’m going to pick out a documentary,” he said.

“Maybe you should make me a list,” I said.

“Oh, no. Not this list. You already said you didn’t want to go that rabbit hole. Trust me, you’re better off.”

“Ok, just tell me the title of the last documentary you watched.”

I was still being a bit playful and laughing, as I do all the time. Isn’t that what he said he liked about me? That I reminded him of Liz Lemon?

He went into a tirade about things happening that nobody knows about, how I couldn’t possibly handle the truth of what’s really going on. “You might think it’s funny,” he said. “But you have no idea…etc….etc….”

I listened as my mood quickly went from mild amusement to resentment. He was being patronizing. I was getting pissed.

“Well, ok then.” I said when he finally came to his closing arguments.

“You have a great rest of the week,” he said.

“Yeah, you too.”

Ugh. What a disappointment.

The truth is, he might be right about all that shit. I just read an article about the sugar industry’s control over research into heart disease and it’s influence over government-recommended dietary standards. They’ve been blaming saturated fats to hide the fact that refined sugar is basically poisoning us. I have no doubt that money and power rule the world in ways I can’t even begin to understand. I had to watch The Big Short twice just to let it all sink in. And don’t get me started on the Iraq Wars. And he even has me looking at that crater where Flight 93 crashed with more a little doubt.

But dammit, I’m not on Tinder to be schooled about the world, mentored or fixed. I’m there to be blown away by a romantic man who sends me poetic videos and says elegant, sexy words in my ear. And who wants to be with me.

“I’m not unavailable,” he had said.

I call bullshit.


When I got out of the tub and crawled into bed, it was almost midnight.

“You up?” I texted Z.

“What’s going on?” he asked. “What are you doing?”


“About what,” he asked.

“Can I see you this weekend?”

“Friday 8pm. Great. Movie and popcorn. Sure.”

I’m not going down your rabbit holes, Ren Man. I’ll just jump back into the one I’m familiar with. I know what waits for me down there.


Oh, my life.



From → Rantings

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