Skip to content

Saying Goodbye to Z…..Again.

December 13, 2016

Z is in India now. He’s getting married in a few days.

Only a couple of months ago, he had called off the wedding. Something about his potential bride not being who he thought she was. He sought my advice when he was torn with the decision. I remember how apathetic he was towards her. He had a look of disdain of his face when he spoke of the possibility of settling for someone who wasn’t his equal. Of course, I told him not to do it. A bad marriage is not something I would wish on anyone.

Once he was single again, we had a couple of steamy interludes. But I didn’t see him very often. He hurt his knee and had surgery. I checked up on him a couple of times. But that was about it.

Then one day he tells me the wedding is back on.

Oh brother.…I thought to myself. I don’t have time for this nonsense.

I didn’t even want to know why he had changed his mind.


As the date of his departure approached, he said he wanted to say goodbye. Maybe spend the night with me one last time.

I, too wanted to hold him in my arms again and stay up talking like we used to.

But we kept missing each other. Our schedules weren’t aligning.

In the meantime, I met Mr. Canada.

At first, with only a few conversations under our belt, I didn’t consider this association a deterrent to being with Z one more time. But then he made plans to come for Christmas and with each conversation, each skype date, I was getting more attached and hopeful. Mr. Canada was pulling my heart to him. (Not a difficult task, I admit.)

When Z finally came over, it was the Wednesday that I got flowers from Mr. Canada.

He walked in and sat on the coach. I was dressed in jeans and a sweater. I hadn’t had a bath yet. Every other time Z had come over, I was in comfy clothes with freshly dried hair. He noticed the difference.

“You’re wearing earrings,” he said.

We talked and laughed and edged our way into casually holding each other. He kissed me. I kissed him, but pulled back. I sat with my back against his chest, our legs intertwined on the sofa and our hands holding each others and we reminisced about the past 5 years and our weird history. “I’m going to miss you,” he said as he put his soft-bearded check against mine.

“I’m going miss you too,” I said.

It was obvious he wanted to have sex, even though he agreed not to. For the first time since I have ever been alone with Z, I easily resisted. I knew how great it would have been. I knew how satisfying and emotional it would have been to be intimate with him again. It would have been so easy. We’re so good together. It would have been as blissful as every other time we had been together. And no one had to know but us. But for the first time since I met him, I didn’t allow his beautiful charms to break down the flimsy barrier I was pretended to hold. This time was I wasn’t pretending.

I told him I loved him. I cried thinking about all that we had been to each other. When I finally insisted that he leave, I looked him in the eye and said, “I want you be happy always and no matter what, always know that you have me somewhere in world loving you forever and ever.”

And for what might be the only time he’s ever uttered the words out loud he said, “I love you too.”

And he walked down the hall.

And just like that, Z and I are done.

I could see him again after he’s married. There is a window between his return and my departure where we will both be in Lafayette. But I honestly hope I don’t. I don’t think I could bare it. And by the time his wife joins him here I will be in Portland waiting for my new grandchild and maybe becoming a lot closer to a man I’m falling in love with.


From → Rantings

Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: