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Another Bullet Point Update

May 7, 2017

I don’t know why I haven’t had the urge to write long, self-absorbed paragraphs lately. Maybe it will come back to me. So, here are some bullet points:

  • I’m still in love with the Canadian. He drives me nuts sometimes. I often find myself thinking, I want this to work out. I want to like him but why does he have to piss me off so much? He likes to argue and debate and he often takes a stance that he doesn’t even believe just to watch me get all flustered and indignant. And I take the bait every time. And yet, I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s incredibly kind to me. I crave being with him. I love being with him. I love his big eyes and his smell and his height. I  love the way my head fits just under his chin and the way his kisses the top of my head when I hug him. I love the things he does to me. I love how positive and happy he is. I love his impatience for bullshit of any kind. I love his confidence and his cooking and even his cat.


  • I’m running out of money. I have shockingly little money left to my name and lots of debt. I’m at the point where I’ll have to start negotiating with my credit card companies soon. I’ve applied for as much public assistance as possible, but I need an Oregon plate and license for some of it and that will cost about $300 and I can’t afford it. I’m still getting weekly unemployment and I’m pretty sure I’ve applied for every possible writing, photography or graphic design job in the Portland and Seattle areas. My next step is a self promotion piece that I can mail out maybe.


(Ok, so the bullet points are turning out to be actual paragraphs after all.)

When I thought about moving here, I thought, I’ll do anything. I won’t settle for something in my field. But the thing is, people want to hire people with experience no matter what the job. A secretary job requires experience being a secretary. Same for administrative assistants, sales clerks etc… I found a lot of opening for sheep herders. I don’t know how to do that either.

Last time I looked for a job it took 3 months. I keep reminding myself of that. It’s only been about a month. But I’m not in my own apartment and I have a lot less money now than I did then.

  • That being said, I’m trying to remember the true key to happiness: gratitude. I know I sound like a self-help book, but I think there’s some truth to the cliché mantra. It’s always a glass-half-empty/glass-half full-thing. I have a place to live. My daughter seems to be ok with me being here. She’s been understanding and patient. I have some money. Not much, but some. I have my health, so far. I’m stocked on anti-depressants for a while. I found a free therapist that I’m meeting tomorrow. I made myself a little workspace in the garage. I have Mr. Canada who is positive and encouraging and is ready to marry me at a moment’s notice. (For now.) I have skills and talent and experience. It’s a long way down to rock bottom. I’m not even close.

I might try to drive up to East Van soon and maybe stay with Mr. Canada for a week or so. I just gotta keep plugging away and hope something comes along soon.


From → Rantings

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