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Mr. Canada Doubts. Long-Distance Sucks.

June 16, 2017

June 28 is my birthday. I’m planning to go to Vancouver and spend it with Mr. Canada, if I can afford it and if I don’t have a job, two counterproductive states.

When we talked about it last week I said, “So I won’t see you until then?”

“That’s right.” he said.

When we began this thing back in Lafayette, Mr. Canada painted a picture of us seeing each other every weekend. He could see himself driving to Portland every Friday, he said. We did that a few weeks, then it became too expensive.

I suppose it makes more sense for me to go there, since it’s a free place to stay and maybe he would come here more often if I had an apartment. But that last visit had cost me too much money. He was going to pay for half the gas, but he didn’t. Though he did pay for a lot of groceries and oysters and wine, so I guess it all came out in the wash.

When I added it all up, with the fee I had to pay for getting my car out of tow for parking in the wrong spot….it came to almost $300. For someone who now has about $100 to my name, that’s not very smart.

So, I’m not going there and he’s not coming here. And it sucks. We talk on the phone just about every night but we’re not living a life together. We’re not building a relationship. We can’t do that without being in the same place.

He says he knows it’s temporary. But for how long? A year? Two years? Will it change if and when I get my own apartment?

I’m feeling very isolated and lonely and I don’t like having a supposed boyfriend that I don’t get to be with very often.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was having a bad day the other day and I guess he could tell from my texting. He told me, “If you need me to, just tell me and I’ll get in my car and come down there.”

“I’ll never ask you to do that.” I said.

“I know but I will if you need me to.”

“That’s what I mean,” I tried to explain, “I can’t ask you to.”

I was trying to get him to understand that the condition in my head that makes me feel sad and hopeless is the same one that would prevent me from ever asking him to do something for me.

I was frustrated by his offer. He didn’t get that if he thought he needed to come, he should just come. I think I ended up saying something like, “You’re a grown man. If you want to come see me, come see me. You don’t need an invitation.”

But he didn’t.

I don’t think he understands the nature of my depression. I don’t think he gets how this works. I’m never going to ask him to do what I clearly need and want him to.

I don’t know if this is going to work out.

He would fuss at me and call me crazy if he knew I had just written that.

But, one person’s certainty doesn’t make a relationship last.

I don’t know. I’m nursing a low-grade depressive state right now. Maybe I’m just not thinking clearly.

We’ll see.

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Postscript:

We talked for a long time the other day. I told him the story of my tragic-bad-marriage 4oth birthday. When I finished he said, “Well I guess it’s my job to make you feel loved the rest of your life.” I’m such a sucker for a guy who knows how to say the right thing at the right time.

So, I’m back on team-Nigel. He’s planning lots of stuff for my birthday. Oysters, wine, charcuterie plates and cheesecake. He made a test-cake for work to try out his recipe. There will be 48 candles and we’re supposed to have dinner with his friends one night.

I’m really looking forward to it.

 

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