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Baseline: Happy

November 1, 2017

I often turn to writing when I’m depressed. It helps me process what I’m going through.

I don’t know. Maybe I just want a record of it. One day, if things get really bad and people ask, “How did this happen? Where were the signs?” someone will find my blogs and see that it’s been a struggle all along.

But I rarely write when I’m happy or just normal. So, here’s my baseline. Today I’m normal Marie.

At this moment I have a little over $200 to my name. But it’s ok. I have a deposit pending and another check coming from the doctor I’m working for. Unemployment will kick in tomorrow and I’ll have food benefits later this week. Plus, I got a gig designing a website for a friend in Lafayette. Please let me not fuck this up. AND….the doctor dude wants me to help him with a paper he’s writing. He’s going to pay me to do research and shit. Which is totes my jam. I’m really looking forward to that.

There’s a lot I can still try. I haven’t really put real effort into designing some fliers for photography and doing any real marketing for freelance work.

Mr. Canada and I are very much in love. I’m going to see him in a couple of weeks and I’ve been promised oysters.

This week I get to watch The Baby while Lori takes The Kid to a movie and she might even leave him with me for a whole day later this week so she can have a break. I’m very excited about that.

But none of that is the reason why I’m happy. I just am. I feel motivated to get up every day and try. I’m solving problems and making plans. I don’t believe that I’m a total piece of shit. I could just as easily be crippled, unable to move, think or do anything. I don’t know what the difference is. That’s the insane part. I don’t know why I’m ok today and I wasn’t before and I probably won’t be one day in the future.

“That’s what it is,” Mr. Canada said during one of our evening conversations. “You just need things to do. Projects to work on.”

“No, boo.” I told him. “I wish it were that simple. It has nothing to do with what’s going on in my life. Everything could be perfect and I would still feel like shit sometimes. It’s just chemicals in my brain.”

I mean, that what’s I think it is. I don’t really know. I’m not sure anyone does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just came back from a walk. The nature around here is freaking me out. It’s so beautiful. Walking along the trail is like stepping through a magical fairy land. Giant yellow-green leaves lay all over the ground, hang precariously on branches, stick out in the ivy and fall gracefully through the air. The colors are like impressionist paintings. Lime greens merging with bright yellow. The browning making the yellow appear orange. And every so often a hint of red. All contrasted against deep green and brown. When it’s overcast, the darkness of the trees provides a stark background for the yellow leaves. It’s like they’re lit from within. When it’s sunny, the rays dance through the leaves, making them sparkle like glitter. When I got to my favorite spot near the Vietnam memorial, I lay back and looked up as the sun flitted around on leaves that were painted with at least five colors. It was magnificent. As I walked back, I stopped at a large tree, filled with spotless yellow leaves, still on the branches. I wonder if it knows how pretty it is.

I remember one of my last days in Louisiana, Lori and I took a canoe out on Lake Martin. Admiring the cypress trees and moss, egrets flying here and there and alligators dipping ever so carefully back into the water, I said, “I bet there’s nothing like this in Portland.”

There isn’t. But this landscape is giving Louisiana a run for its money. It’s overwhelming to me. It’s like a gift. I walk around these trees….me; a poor woman with a questionable future and feel like the richest person in the world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, that’s my baseline. I’m still not brimming with confidence. I’m still scared for my future and wish my life were different. But, I know it’s going to be ok and I have a lot to be grateful for. This is the person who can look at the glass and see that there’s still water in there and I’m going to get some more tomorrow.

I would give almost anything to stay in this state.

I wish I knew how.

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From → Rantings

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