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I Finally Got High

September 22, 2018

I’ve tried smoking pot before. The first time was while my siblings and I were planning my mom’s funeral. I got a little giggly but I didn’t feel anything. I’m always giggly around my family (yes, even when planning our mom’s funeral)so I couldn’t even tell if it was the pot.

I tried a few other times with my son. The only experience I ever really felt was after a few bites of a cookie that a friend had on one of our many going away night outs back in Lafayette. Even then, I just felt silly after a few hours.

So, I’ve been wanting to experience the “high” everybody’s always talking about. I did some research and found that most people start with doses as high as 100-300mg. I had only taken as much as 10mg of CBD. Nevertheless, I went to a shop I found downtown after one my volunteer shifts and bought 50mg THC pills. It was the lowest dose they had and the price was decent.

I got home and made some blueberry muffins. Around 3:30pm I took one of the pills.

After about an hour I started feeling a bit dizzy. Within the next hour it got more intense. I started to feel queasy when I moved. Things weren’t making sense, like I was intently aware of things but a minute later would have to remind myself of where I was, like the last 5-10 minutes didn’t happen. I was watching Casual on tv. My attention to what was going on was intense, like I was there with the characters but then if felt like I had just woken up from a dream and couldn’t remember what had just happened. I was in a time warp. I turned off the tv because I was worried it was too much stimulus. 

I laid down on the bed. When I closed my eyes I felt like I was in a different world, big and dark with lots of stars. I felt far away. When I opened them, I was brought back to the present with some disorientation at first but then I adjusted easily. Mr. Canada and I were babysitting two dogs and one of them was barking a lot and I couldn’t get him to stop. I didn’t want to talk. He wouldn’t come up on the bed with me. So, I thought if I went down on the floor with him, he might stop, so with great effort and some wooziness, I made my way onto the floor. He still didn’t stop. I kept reaching out to him, saying, “Elmo. Stop. You’re making this worse.”  

By then, what I was feeling was not great. I kept saying to myself, This is bad. This isn’t what I wanted. I thought I needed help. It seemed like I was experiencing two realities and they were in conflict and it was painful. Not physically painful, but I remember thinking that it hurt. 

I was intensely worried about not having told Mr. Canada that I had taken the pill. I was afraid he would come home and find me on the floor, freaking out. And I felt like I had been irresponsible for taking too high of a dose. I wanted to text him but my phone was on the bed. It felt like an impossible task, getting up on the bed and sending a text. Even if I got to the phone what would I text? A long explanation? Or, “very high, be careful” ?

I made it back on the bed and grabbed my phone hoping I would be able to text him but I didn’t. I continued to worry about it until I heard him walk in. 

When I closed my eyes I felt a weird heat and my muscles would tense up and then I would make myself relax all of them slowly and I would feel very relaxed and sedated. When I had my eyes closed, I could see my body floating in space outlined with dark blue bubbles. As I began to come back down I felt peaceful. I could’ve slept forever. 

Mr. Canada found me curled up in the dark with the dogs at my side. He thought I was having a depressive episode. “Are you ok?” he asked as he put his hand on my hair. I somehow managed to tell him what I did. Then he laughed at me. He took the dogs out again. Apparently it had been a long time since I had taken them out. I felt irresponsible. I asked him if he was mad at me when he got back. He didn’t understand why I would think he would be mad. Maybe that was my version of feeling paranoid. Maybe I was still stuck in my marriage way of thinking. Mr. K would have not been understanding at all. He would have judged and blamed me and thought I was being irresponsible. I was so worried that Mr. Canada would feel the same way.

But of course he didn’t. He made fun of me. Made me laugh, which I did a lot. When he wasn’t making me laugh, I was quiet and subdued. He thought I seemed very relaxed. By the time we went to bed, I was still groggy and I could’ve slept on a bed of nails. 

In the morning I could still the effects. It seemed to last a long time. 

So, I don’t think I’ll be taking that much again. Maybe I’ll take the rest of the capsules, open them up and bake something with them, diluting the dosage in a batch of cookies, maybe.

Despite the negative parts of the experience, it helped me feel much less anxious about weaning off my depression meds. Now I know if I’m having a bad day, I can take a pill and lay down and escape the world for a while. Luckily, I have the luxury of free time to do such a thing and a partner who is supportive and only wants me to be happy.

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